“Well, I’m not going to say it’s okay when it’s not okay! Sometimes “they” are trying to trap you when they ask questions like that. That’s why I didn’t answer. He asked us a loaded question and the answer is NO, I’m not going to condone sin!” That was Cheryl (not her real name but she looked a lot like an older but super pretty 80’s model Cheryl Tiegs so I’ll go with it)
The night before our crew of flight attendants decided to try the local cuisine at a popular restaurant. Our interesting meals were placed before us with a flourish. I looked suspiciously at it since my husband told me that the island was overrun with lizards and they tried to sneak it in as a mystery meat to their local dishes. #thanksforthathubby Probably best to pray…especially for a meal like that ;)
Cheryl (loaded question lady) was already digging into her meal and Justin (he looked like Justin Bieber) was sipping on his Mojito. I didn’t know if either one of them were Christians so I asked a little hesitantly, “Would you guys mind if I pray? If it bothers you then I’ll say mine privately. It’s really no problem. I’m sorry if this is putting you on the spot.”
Justin who has a boyfriend from “New York” said, “Sure. Pray.” He went on to say that his mom always prayed before meals too. Cheryl, a piece of shrimp hanging out of her mouth, assented with a nod as well. I prayed some specific things for each of them. For Justin I prayed that He would see God clearly and for Cheryl that she would feel how special she was to God…that He would comfort her and that God chose her. After the prayer, Cheryl shared she was a former Church of Christ-er and now went to a non-denominational church. And of course I remembered to bless the fresh lizard. #delicacy
Then came the loaded question from Justin: “So you say you’re Christians so I’m curious, how do you feel about equality of marriage and all that?”
Cheryl stayed quiet. A story came to mind from my past. I was a brand new baby Christian. I had a meeting with a couple of realtors who were partners in business and in life. They happened to be the same sex. On my way to meet them for lunch, I told God (not really expecting an answer) “God, Jennifer really likes both of these ladies but If YOU want me to tell them what they are doing is wrong (speaking of their same sex relationship) then I WILL!” I had my own similar experience like this when I was younger so was I really in a place to talk about wrong or right to anyone? Still I had been reading the bible and it seemed SO CLEAR to me at the time: wrong versus right. I was fairly surprised when God responded to me: “Jennifer, this is none of your business. I didn’t call you to judge. I called you to love. If you can’t love these women then at least be kind to them for me.”
I was confused and thinking maybe the voice in my head wasn't Him...but He made it clear. Crystal clear in fact…about how He felt about me telling them how wrong they were. God gets pissed when you talk about his kids and I felt that righteous anger in the force of his response. Like a lion roaring, He was fierce. “Don’t you dare touch my daughters' hearts. You’ll have to get through me first.” As a mother, I understood His protective stance. If I need to deal with my kiddos on something then that is a PRIVATE matter between ME and THEM. It would be like me spanking someone else’s child without authority. I would be fighting against God Himself if I proceeded.
Justin listened intently and didn’t respond to what I said but instead talked about his mom’s battle with cancer and her supernatural testimony of meeting God. It was powerful. She was in a room sick from the cancer and a light began shining brighter and brighter on her. She saw the devil jumping on her back. She had not been a Christian before that encounter but after that she had given her life completely to God. She went to church “all the time” now. He still wasn’t sure about Jesus and, at this point in his life, he wasn’t a Christian. (I think Justin’s momma has been praying for her sweet boy and God sent me to him to love on him.)
As the conversation went on Justin shared more about himself. He talked about a dark period of his life not that long ago. He had gone to outpatient therapy for alcoholism and “other stuff.” I could be totally wrong but I got the impression that He had battled deep depression to the point of giving up he was so tired of suffering. That’s why we have to double check that our words are from God by at least ASKING God how He feels before we speak! We don’t know the depths of other’s suffering. God will protect their hurting hearts from people like ME (remember with the realtors). Only God knows how much Justin has been through.
So when Cheryl was venting to me in the front galley about Justin's loaded question the following morning and explaining her silence, I agreed with her. It is sometimes wise to be silent. She made an excuse, “Well, you know. Love the sinner. Hate the sin.” That pissed me off. I felt uncomfortable and gossipy talking about Justin when he was in the back of the plane. I may have answered too strongly in my tone :( I said, “I’m thankful that God doesn’t see my as a sinner but as His child. Jesus takes care of sin. Besides, Justin's “SIN” is really none of our business. Jesus said, ‘A new commandment I give to you: love your neighbor as yourself,” right? How do you want to be treated by others? I’m assuming gently and with love?” I reminded her of the woman caught in the act of adultery in the bible. Jesus stood between her and the rock throwers. Unless I am willing to suffer for someone or, like Jesus, die for them, then others “sin” is not my concern. Now, if I love someone: my kids, my husband, my best friends and I would willingly stand between them and a bunch of rock throwers, then yes, by all means, I will speak to them if I think they are getting off course in their life. I will suffer for those I am in relationship with but I’m sorry. I don’t love “Justin Bieber” enough to take a bullet for him so his choices are none of my beeswax!”
We have all been wounded in this life:
After my sharp reply to what Cheryl said she confided in me. She had been cheated on too many times to count by her husband, a full time pastor. After many long years of marriage with a newborn baby, he left her for an 18 year old woman. He had met her in the youth ministry and had been sleeping for 2 years. She had pain associated with other’s “sin.” Her comment about being unable to condone sin made sense now. She had allowed her husband’s behavior to go on and was willing to overlook it for the sake of love and to keep her family together. Her husband’s choices had devastated her and destroyed her family (her words)
I felt such compassion for her. She had love her husband. She suffered and was willingly to die for her marriage but she was not given a voice or a choice. The person she was protecting from stones put a knife in her back. He didn’t give a damn about her or her family and threw them away.
It’s a very fine line when dealing with other people’s choices that effect me personally and directly though. Justin hadn't cheated on her or sinned against her though. She somehow equated Justin’s choices to her husband’s sin but I believe it was fear based and her heart had not healed though it had been 20 years since it happened. I’m thankful for Justin’s loaded question because I think she gained a new perspective from God…It’s very liberating not to be responsible for other's choices. It frees us up to love them and see beyond what we think is wrong with them. My prayer for her at the meal was that she would feel comforted. Even if her husband, threw her away, God chose her. She was very special to Him.
Loaded Questions:
Sometimes discussions about our beliefs are like walking in minefields. One wrong move and we will be handicapped. Our words have the ability to destroy or create connection. When we are asked a “loaded question” that we think are big no-no’s then we can spout of and wound, be silent, or touch base with the Holy Spirit and say what He's saying. A girl asked me last week, “Should I live with my boyfriend?” I wanted to say it’s not wise! The guy she is dating is still “in process" for sure. I asked the Holy Spirit before I went into fearful mommy mode. He said, "She already knows her answer so keep your opinion about it to yourself." She texted me this week that she knew it wasn’t a good idea and was making changes to rectify the situation. He has the greatest wisdom to share and it always surprises me. This week, take opportunities to ask God what He thinks before you speak.
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