Here I Go Again on My Own

What might you, Jesus, and the 80's band Whitesnake have in common?
Are ya feeling lonely? Welp you're not alone in that wink emoticon

From Whitesnakes ‘album’ Saints & Sinners (you have to be 'old' to have owned one of these babies) 

'Here I go again on my own,
Goin' down the only road I've ever known…
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
And here I go again on my own...'

‘Jesus' went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone. (matt.14:23)
you will...leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me…” (Jn.16:32)

If we can keep from feeling sorry for ourselves and truly embrace that God is with us every step...every second of every day then we can have peace in our solitude. Being alone with God is where we meet with Him face to face as a friend… I don’t always look forward to traveling by my lonesome but I’m trying to now consider my alone time with Him as a supreme gift from God to connect. ‪#‎gottalovethehair‬ ‪#‎whitesnakerocks‬ ‪#‎wonderifJesusdidhishairlikethis‬‪#‎extensions‬ ‪#‎doodoocurl‬ ‪#‎aquanetfordays‬

The View From Up Top

As usual my flight this morning to Atlanta was a set up by the Man upstairs.  “Blake” was a jumpseater strategically placed RIGHT next to me #jumpseatsweremadeforelves.  He was a big old burly guy.  I teetered on the edge of our shared seat and asked if he might be more comfortable on the back jumpseat :)

Most guys I fly with er um “like” guys.  I’m not stereotyping.  I took a moment to go back through my work experience to write this blog and about 5 out of 50 are straight…that’s about 90% gay but I don’t make assumptions because I really don’t need to.  It’s none of my business unless someone tells me and most do.  Sure when I first started flying, I was plotting on how I might get them into a church but I realized very quickly they had been more wounded by people that sat in pews than anyone else.  It’s a really sad fact.

Blake was no different.  He believed in the “universe” and was “spiritual” but had shunned religion.   A guy at church wouldn’t shake his hand because he found out he was gay.  Everyone who was religious that he met seemed to make it their personal mission to get him to stop sinning because he was gay.  We had a really nice conversation that he said was refreshing.  “I can’t have these kinds of conversations with religious people because they want to judge me and call me a sinner.  I can’t tell you how many people have called me ugly names, spit at me.  I’ve got scars all over my body from the wounds.  Literal scars.”  


The thing that struck me about Blake was his willingness to seek to understand why Christians were so against gay marriage.  He said Christians were really defensive and hadn’t been able to give him a good answer.  He was befuddled and the only reason he could come up with was their judgmental attitude.  Why would Christians be offended if he had the same rights that they had?  How did it affect them?

I’ve been in a holding pattern on waiting to hear from God on this very subject.  I haven’t heard anything other than God saying MYOB.  I make decisions for myself and I’m not responsible for other people.  I’m just not in a position to speak.  When I ask God, I get the old “You have the right to remain silent.”  A dear friend who has devoted her life to helping people who are married stay that way ;) was gutted by the SCOTUS decision…as in tears for days…can’t get off the couch…devastated.  She’s not a hater either…just sad.


Blake was so earnest in his desire to understand.  I thought of my friend and I asked the Holy Spirit again and honestly expected to hear nothing…but my eyes fell on his work lanyard.  What if someone tried to change the name of American Airlines that he proudly hung around his neck to Generic Airlines.  How would he feel?  He was an "old timer" with AA... Would he feel that was right?  Would he be angry?  Upset at all?

I could tell Blake was a compassionate person who truly wanted to see the situation and understand it.   I think it gave him a perspective that his heart was really desiring.  Hey, it gave me something to think about too.  Blake and I parted with a hug and a mutual respect.

Pros and Cons of Throat Punching

My flights had been so early that coffee shops hadn’t even opened their eyes yet.  #nowthatsearly  Needless to say, I was a little exhausted and was having trouble restraining my desire to throat punch people who gave me shade.

I was on the 4th day of waking up at 3 am. The crew was onboard long before the sun would peek over the horizon.  We were checking our equipment and setting up before boarding when a jumpseater heads back our direction.  That meant that every single seat on the airplane was taken #addedstress

Having a jumpseater on board is kind of like picking up a hitchhiker for a free ride. However, unlike hitchhikers, jumpseaters have gone through security so they won’t shank you or steal your moolah!   It can be seen as an inconvenience no doubt about it…they are in your work space on an already cramped metal tube but I don’t mind…it’s a good deed done for the day by being gracious to them and to treat them how I would want to be treated in that situation.

This girl was something else though.  “Porcupine Patty” was persnickety from the time she got on.  The other flight attendants and I were talking.  I was lamenting about how early it was and how the lack of coffee was affecting my brain cells.  She inserted herself into the conversation and reminded us we were on west coast time so meant it was only 5 am our time.  I’m sorry did anyone ask you for your two cents, PATTY???  My watch says THREE not FIVE, sister. I know.  Not very “Christianly” thoughts but it was 3 am…excuse me 5 am…and I wasn’t in the mood.  I felt my fingers clinch in anticipation of a throat punch.  Deep breath and relax fingers out of lethal weapon mode.  You get to live another day, Miss lack of empathy.

I responded, “Well, Patty, we had to get up at 3 am OUR time for the last 3 days.”
She gave me a “Suck it up, buttercup” look.
I could have thrown out something really witty like “This is an A to B conversation so C your way out of it.” but that one’s actually kind of lame and I couldn’t think of anything else.

Throat punch reflexes were kicking in again so I started praying for Patty the porcupine.  God, only you know how hard this 4 day trip has been on me with 13 hour+ days.  It’s easy to have a lack of empathy when it’s NOT YOU doing the suffering.  I do not want to get pricked by Patty again this morning, ya feel me, God? Lord, I give Patty and her petty comments to you.

Prayer changes me quickly and I felt the grace start to flow again. When I was done setting up I said, “Can I get you a bottled water, Patty?”
Her reply, “You’re a little late.  The flight attendant up front already got me one.”

You’re a little late???  Oh, no she didn’t.  A simple, “no thank you” would have sufficed.   God, I’m done.  It’s too early to deal with snarky unhappy flight attendants.  I asked God to give her an attitude adjustment and decided it was best to completely ignore this drama rather than go to jail for throat punching Patty…anyway, it might hurt my hand.

It was a fairly long flight and wasn’t I so lucky that Patty was sitting on my jumpseat??   The jumpseat is so small that we were both in each other’s personal space.  I guess God convicted Patty or something because she lost the attitude.  #prayerworks As we sat next to each other, she opened up about how she was commuting to work but would have a day to spend with her mom who was having  surgery the following day. I asked for her mom’s name and offered to pray.
“It’s no big deal,” Patty says.
“Oh, what’s she having done?”
“Heart surgery.”
“Um, Patty, I would say that’s a pretty big deal.”
“You’re right.”

Patty put her hand on her head.  “You okay?”  She said
“I get migraines.”
I said, “I’m so sorry.  It’s the worst to fly with a migraine.  Everything is exaggerated in the air.  Can I get you an Advil or anything else?”
“Thank you but I think I’m okay for now.”
I thought she was going to start crying at my offers of sympathy, empathy and willingness to help.
 She went on to share a lot about her life.  In aircraft lingo, we call that “jumpseat confessions.”  She talked about losing her first husband suddenly, more about her mom’s heart surgery, her debilitating headaches.  Patty said, “I never complain but this is a real thing.   Over the years, flying has done a number on my body so I finally went to the doctor to be able to avoid flying when I have a migraine.  I’ve always judged people who went on family leave for illnesses as “fakers” but now I understand.”

I talked to her about how a couple of days after a stressful situation, I would get a bad headache.  I felt like God told me it was me turning the stress and taking it out on myself.  Anxiety would come after the stressful situation with a mental bombardment of negative thoughts:  could have done it differently, why did that have to happen, God isn’t with me, bad things always happen to me.  This process was really self hatred.  In the theme of this blog, maybe it was a little like throat punching myself HA ;)  and turning my frustrations as a weapon against my mind.

I felt like I got this download from God when Patty was talking about her mom and minimizing freaking heart surgery.  Patty’s mom never showed her an ounce of compassion because she wanted her to be strong.  Patty wasn’t being snarky when she had nothing nice to say when I was struggling, she was modeling what she knew.  I totally recognized the attitude.

My daughter Monica was 12 when I had an encounter with God that changed every single thing about my life. Pre-Jesus I had a “Put your big girl panties on and deal with it” attitude like Patty.  #noexcuses #justdoit I realized I had, in trying to teach my own daughter to be strong withheld showing her any softness.   I said, “Monica, in my attempt to grow you into a self-sufficient and strong woman, I missed out on showing you love.  I’m so sorry.  Will you please forgive me?"
She smiled her brace face smile and said, “You're perfect, Mom.  But, of course I forgive you.”
"You're so sweet, Monica, but how can I make this right?” She thought for a moment and said, “I like hugs.”
We hugged for what felt like an hour and I cried my eyes out for what I had missed, for what she had lacked and for the gratefulness that there was still lots of time left to hug.

How could Patty have empathy for my exhaustion when she had never received it for herself? “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (Jn.13:34-35)
I believe through our interaction, I modeled how to be compassionate and empathetic. (at least I hope I did because there were those several times I wanted to throat punch her ;) Patty was realizing that it wasn’t having a “pity party” to let others see her pain and love her through it as she confessed all the things going on in her life that were overwhelming her.  (I do know a lot of people who have ongoing pity party’s and that’s not pretty either so asking God to help us not go to that extreme)

Take aways from my time with Patty:

1. Don’t throat punch others like Patty did with her snarky comments and like I wanted to when she was making them. That’s turning our anxiety outwards.  Sometimes you have to remove yourself from striking distance of people like this.  You can love them from afar and pray for them.

2. Don’t throat punch yourself like I do when I have stress.  That’s turning anxiety inwards and you will get sick!

3. Throat punching not needed.

In lieu of throat punching, "Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you." (1Pet.5:7)

God's Reality Show

I start noticing patterns, when out of 5000 flight attendants based at DFW, I end up flying with the same one multiple times. My Holy Spirit antenna goes up to see what God is broadcasting and I know it’s probably a divine episode on God's heavenly reality show. The angels working away to get us to a moment of connection to do what God wants done in our hearts. It’s usually not one sided. The people I encounter in these divine moments are speaking to me too. I dislike it but sometimes I miss these moments. I’m so preoccupied with myself or I am too weary to pick up on the signal :( but God is good to bring them back around when needed.

There was definitely a pattern with one fellow flight attendant. I went to a training class with her, she commuted home on one of my flights, then I was a passenger on one of her flights. I was the last one on the flight and, with no seats left, I was sitting right next to her pretty face on the jumpseat. I have a fondness like a daughter for her that I can’t explain so it’s probably God’s genuine love for her. I would say her relationship with God is pretty private though and maybe a little “to be determined.” She’s never mentioned it. I know her sibling is in bible school but she’s never mentioned her own faith.

I don’t think I missed any of the previous moments when we had been together to be part of God’s reality show. No, I felt like God was opening her heart to me. She says her mom is self-centered and she was the adult in the relationship so I think slowly but surely she was warming to me more and more.

As she worked her galley and served the passengers, I asked God what these little interactions were about. Did He have something to say to Mariah (not her real name)?

I saw Mariah laying on a beach in a white bikini. Mariah was saying, “Do you see what God gave me? It’s my new bathing suit. I love it! It fits me perfect.”

Okay, STRANGE! First of all, you have to be really really tan to pull off a white bathing suit and she wasn’t from the caribbean ;) It’s also hard to keep a white bathing suit clean on a beach! So, God, what does that mean? I felt like He said, that’s how I see her. She’s pure, white, perfect, spotless. She’s my bride. I’m giving her this new bathing suit. It’s hers. She doesn’t have to do anything to earn it. I’m keeping it clean. No strings attached. ha ;)

I asked if there was anything else He wanted to say. I heard a song that God’s heart and her’s were singing to each other. It’s called “Stay With Me.” The lyrics that came to mind were, “Oh, won't you stay with me? 'Cause you're all I need. I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?” I felt like it was her heart cry. She wasn’t fearful or needy saying “Please don’t leave me, God!” No, she was strong making a choice. God, I want you to stay with me.

God was singing back to Mariah those lyrics too: “Stay with me!”

I hope you can feel Gods heart towards this woman in what I write.  He’s so passionate and pleased with her. I know a white bikini and a song by a gay guy may not be how you might think God would speak to her but God will speak to our hearts in the way only we can understand and appreciate. Maybe she’s jump in her car after we talk and that song is playing? We just don’t know.

Mariah may have looked for the love God was offering in men, again, not in a needy way, but, if I choose to let you have my body, then stay with me because another line of the song is “This ain't love, it's clear to see but won’t you stay with me. And deep down I know this never works. But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt”

One night stands offer a faux love and leave us feeling empty but we aren’t alone at least for that moment. I completely related with her. I would have panic attacks at night and made a lot of bad choices because I was terrified to be alone. It’s been hard to look to Him instead of trying to earn the love of men by being pretty enough.

All these sweet, crazy and powerful thoughts were going through my mind and I didn’t know how to convey what I saw to her. I knew God would create the opportunity so I put it to the side for the moment. After she finished her service, she sat down and we chatted. She shared what was going on in her life. She’s a no nonsense strong girl and so brave. I gave her some advice about confronting a self focused person in her life and a gentle way to do it since she tends to be pretty direct not wanting to put up with women who act like her mom.

I remarked on how God had brought us together several times. I asked permission to share what I felt like I heard from God for her. She consented. She didn’t think I was a weirdo with the bikini thing so that was good! She also confirmed that she felt really lonely in this job. I asked her if I could pray for her. I asked God to be real to her. To hold her as she fell asleep and that she would feel His nearness. That He would indeed stay with her.

Her tears were so profuse that they covered my arms like little rivers. Nothing I said was profound but God’s love is like that. It touches the lonely places of our heart so deeply that our hard hearts are broken into a thousand pieces and all the hurt in our hearts is released to Him. His love gives us a new and pure start, a thousand times over if needed. I love how God loves us and I can’t believe that He lets me be on His heavenly reality show. #itsawildride #neverknowwhatsgoingtohappen

Loaded Questions

“Well, I’m not going to say it’s okay when it’s not okay!  Sometimes “they” are trying to trap you when they ask questions like that.  That’s why I didn’t answer. He asked us a loaded question and the answer is NO, I’m not going to condone sin!”  That was Cheryl (not her real name but she looked a lot like an older but super pretty 80’s model Cheryl Tiegs so I’ll go with it) 

The night before our crew of flight attendants decided to try the local cuisine at a popular restaurant.  Our interesting meals were placed before us with a flourish.   I looked suspiciously at it since my husband told me that the island was overrun with lizards and they tried to sneak it in as a mystery meat to their local dishes.  #thanksforthathubby Probably best to pray…especially for a meal like that ;) 

Cheryl (loaded question lady) was already digging into her meal and Justin (he looked like Justin Bieber) was sipping on his Mojito.  I didn’t know if either one of them were Christians so I asked a little hesitantly, “Would you guys mind if I pray?  If it bothers you then I’ll say mine privately.  It’s really no problem.  I’m sorry if this is putting you on the spot.” 

Justin who has a boyfriend from “New York” said, “Sure. Pray.”  He went on to say that his mom always prayed before meals too. Cheryl, a piece of shrimp hanging out of her mouth, assented with a nod as well.  I prayed some specific things for each of them.  For Justin I prayed that He would see God clearly and for Cheryl that she would feel how special she was to God…that He would comfort her and that God chose her. After the prayer, Cheryl shared she was a former Church of Christ-er and now went to a non-denominational church. And of course I remembered to bless the fresh lizard. #delicacy   

Then came the loaded question from Justin:  “So you say you’re Christians so I’m curious, how do you feel about equality of marriage and all that?” 

Cheryl stayed quiet.  A story came to mind from my past.  I was a brand new baby Christian. I had a meeting with a couple of realtors who were partners in business and in life.  They happened to be the same sex.  On my way to meet them for lunch, I told God (not really expecting an answer) “God, Jennifer really likes both of these ladies but If YOU want me to tell them what they are doing is wrong (speaking of their same sex relationship) then I WILL!” I had my own similar experience like this when I was younger so was I really in a place to talk about wrong or right to anyone? Still I had been reading the bible and it seemed SO CLEAR to me at the time:  wrong versus right. I was fairly surprised when God responded to me:  “Jennifer, this is none of your business.  I didn’t call you to judge.  I called you to love.   If you can’t love these women then at least be kind to them for me.”  

I was confused and thinking maybe the voice in my head wasn't Him...but He made it clear.  Crystal clear in fact…about how He felt about me telling them how wrong they were. God gets pissed when you talk about his kids and I felt that righteous anger in the force of his response.  Like a lion roaring, He was fierce. “Don’t you dare touch my daughters' hearts.  You’ll have to get through me first.”  As a mother, I understood His protective stance.  If I need to deal with my kiddos on something then that is a PRIVATE matter between ME and THEM.   It would be like me spanking someone else’s child without authority.   I would be fighting against God Himself if I proceeded.   

Justin listened intently and didn’t respond to what I said but instead talked about his mom’s battle with cancer and her supernatural testimony of meeting God.  It was powerful.  She was in a room sick from the cancer and a light began shining brighter and brighter on her.  She saw the devil jumping on her back.  She had not been a Christian before that encounter but after that she had given her life completely to God.  She went to church “all the time” now.  He still wasn’t sure about Jesus and, at this point in his life, he wasn’t a Christian.  (I think Justin’s momma has been praying for her sweet boy and God sent me to him to love on him.)  

As the conversation went on Justin shared more about himself.  He talked about a dark period of his life not that long ago.  He had gone to outpatient therapy for alcoholism and “other stuff.”  I could be totally wrong but I got the impression that He had battled deep depression to the point of giving up he was so tired of suffering.  That’s why we have to double check that our  words are from God by at least ASKING God how He feels before we speak! We don’t know the depths of other’s suffering.  God will protect their hurting hearts from people like ME (remember with the realtors).  Only God knows how much Justin has been through.

So when Cheryl was venting to me in the front galley about Justin's loaded question the following morning and explaining her silence, I agreed with her.  It is sometimes wise to be silent. She made an excuse, “Well, you know.  Love the sinner.  Hate the sin.” That pissed me off.  I felt uncomfortable and gossipy talking about Justin when he was in the back of the plane.  I may have answered too strongly in my tone :(  I said, “I’m thankful that God doesn’t see my as a sinner but as His child.  Jesus takes care of sin.  Besides, Justin's “SIN” is really none of our business.  Jesus said, ‘A new commandment I give to you:  love your neighbor as yourself,” right?  How do you want to be treated by others?  I’m assuming gently and with love?”  I reminded her of the woman caught in the act of adultery in the bible.  Jesus stood between her and the rock throwers.  Unless I am willing to suffer for someone or, like Jesus, die for them, then others “sin” is not my concern.  Now, if I love someone:  my kids, my husband, my best friends and I would willingly stand between them and a bunch of rock throwers, then yes, by all means, I will speak to them if I think they are getting off course in their life. I will suffer for those I am in relationship with but I’m sorry.  I don’t love “Justin Bieber” enough to take a bullet for him so his choices are none of my beeswax!”  

We have all been wounded in this life:

After my sharp reply to what Cheryl said she confided in me.  She had been cheated on too many times to count by her husband, a full time pastor.  After many long years of marriage with a newborn baby, he left her for an 18 year old woman. He had met her in the youth ministry and had been sleeping for 2 years.  She had pain associated with other’s “sin.”  Her comment about being unable to condone sin made sense now.  She had allowed her husband’s behavior to go on and was willing to overlook it for the sake of love and to keep her family together. Her husband’s choices had devastated her and destroyed her family (her words) 

I felt such compassion for her. She had love her husband.  She suffered and was willingly to die for her marriage but she was not given a voice or a choice.  The person she was protecting from stones put a knife in her back.  He didn’t give a damn about her or her family and threw them away. 

It’s a very fine line when dealing with other people’s choices that effect me personally and directly though.  Justin hadn't cheated on her or sinned against her though.   She somehow equated Justin’s choices to her husband’s sin but I believe it was fear based and her heart had not healed though it had been 20 years since it happened.  I’m thankful for Justin’s loaded question because I think she gained a new perspective from God…It’s very liberating not to be responsible for other's choices.  It frees us up to love them and see beyond what we think is wrong with them. My prayer for her at the meal was that she would feel comforted.  Even if her husband, threw her away,  God chose her.  She was very special to Him.

Loaded Questions:  

Sometimes discussions about our beliefs are like walking in minefields.  One wrong move and we will be handicapped.  Our words have the ability to destroy or create connection. When we are asked a “loaded question” that we think are big no-no’s then we can spout of and wound, be silent, or touch base with the Holy Spirit and say what He's saying.  A girl asked me last week, “Should I live with my boyfriend?”   I wanted to say it’s not wise!  The guy she is dating is still “in process" for sure.  I asked the Holy Spirit before I went into fearful mommy mode.  He said, "She already knows her answer so keep your opinion about it to yourself."  She texted me this week that she knew it wasn’t a good idea and was making changes to rectify the situation.  He has the greatest wisdom to share and it always surprises me.  This week, take opportunities to ask God what He thinks before you speak.

Home-College

On a long layover in Tulsa so Tanner and I decided to get lunch. Tanner was in his second week of big boy college in Stillwater, Oklahoma.  I wanted to home-college him instead of him being 4 hrs away but that didn't work for him for whatever reason😤...ANYWAY.  It's still a sore subject. I was listening to a podcast on my drive in and the guy on the podcast starts reading psalm 23 "He LEADS me beside still waters..." I look at the road ahead and I see the water tower for Stillwater at that EXACT moment. I love how when we trust God, when we give something up and it hurts, He will confirm that HE is doing the leading. He loves our kids more than we do )if that were possible and I GUESS somehow it is) He led my son literally to Stillwater! Yea, though our children may walk without us even through the valley of the shadow of death, we don't have to fear evil for God is with them. 

Struggling with letting go?  Well, there's always Home-College but in the event that doesn't work out..Ask God to show you He's leading!  #heresyoursign