Running with the Turtles

Have you read the old fable "The Tortoise and the Hare" or heard the saying "that slow and steady wins the race?" I appreciate this tale more now than as a child.   I mean who wants to be a slow turtle even if you do finish the race?    

I  began to learn the art of resting in Him and letting my inner turtle come out while training for a half marathon.  Instead of performing for the crowd, I had to pace myself during training to not expend all my energy in the first mile.  I had to train my body to take little sips of it to get through the grueling miles.  I knew that God had set me up to run this race. I agreed to run it to raise funds to battle Leukemia and Lymphoma not knowing anyone who had this potentially deadly disease but during my training a family member was diagnosed. 

During training, my flesh would fail time and time again.   The failure was very consistent.  Each and every time, I met my breaking point where I felt I could not go on but I had committed.  Could I quit when I had a family member going through the exact thing that I was running for?  so I had to show up relying on His strength. It's a team effort though.  I’m willing to show up and then He provides what I need but, dang, it's hard to rest in Him ;)  Should it be HARD to REST? but that's the way it is when we transition from our human strength to His.

Instead of running with the Nike Swoosh signifying Just Do It on my back,  I felt like I was carrying some really nice and heavy Louis Vuitton luggage and not the zippy roller kind.  I play soccer, I like to hike, participate in bootcamps, I'm not a fitness wienie so I did not understand why I didn't just magically have wings on my shoes.  One day, I limped home after my running buddies had left me in the dust.  I was embarrassed that i couldn't keep up.  I was hurting because I had tried to.    I'm usually a cold soldier who "pretends" to have it all together but this running was getting the better of me.  I exaggerated my limp as I came into the house really wanting God to see it. I'm not prone to fit throwing, trying to get sympathy, or allowing my emotions to get the better of me because I like to be "strong."  Well not on this particular day... on this day, I had a MELT DOWN of the two year old degree!   I saw a pillow on the couch and thought, "That won't break anything if I throw it," so i did.  I was too afraid to cuss out loud at God but boy was I trash talking Him in my head  ;)  I bellowed through my house, "You could heal me and you won't!!!  You don't care about me!  If you did, you would help me run faster and my leg wouldn’t hurt and it wouldn’t be hard and you aren’t even listening to my prayers!  What?  Do I have to beg you? Oh, Yeah, and those girls who left me were mean!" I saw a book on the coffee table. I picked it up and thought it was a safe venting utensil so I threw it at the wall.  (Don't worry it was a paperback)  

I was picking up the pillow to give it another toss when the kind lady who cleans my house poked her head around the corner and asked timidly, "Are you okay, Jennifer?"  I stopped in mid-throw and rant like a kid toilet papering a neighbor's house. GULP.   Dang, when did she get here?  Probably while I was out getting my butt handed to me on my run.   I apologized and said it was nothing.  She asked if I was hurt since I was limping. She guided me to the couch where she sat me down. This amazing and humble 90 lb woman took my shoe and sock off and prayed in her language.  She massaged my nasty and sweaty foot as I tried to protest.  I finally quit telling her no because she pretended not to hear me.  I just cried and cried at the embarrassment of the humbling situation.   She said that she had an elderly neighbor with no family that she changed diapers so this was not uncomfortable for her for.  I cheered myself momentarily in the fact that I wasn't wearing a diaper even though I was acting like I should be.   She liked to care for people who needed help but the problem was I didn’t like receiving help.   What an example of the heart of Jesus towards me felt like Peter, when He said "Lord, don't wash  just my feet. Wash my hands and head as well." (Jn 13:9)  He wanted to love me in this way and I had to let my plastic and useless self-sufficient armor to receive it.  Not a comfortable feeling for me.  I couldn't always be the strong one and rely on being wantless and needless.  I wanted to help others, give to others but she loved me and gave to me and that was a hard and humble pill to swallow.  She didn't judge me for my fit or correct me and tell me how good God was.  She showed me.  Her hands were His as she washed my filthy feet. 

I think we go through seasons and learn lessons in life that build the foundation for the already won victory in every area.  Some seasons are harder than others.  I can tell you that I wrestled with God while training for the half marathon.  He brought all sorts of things out of my heart that were hidden and didn't belong.  I had injuries that He didn't miraculously heal. He's freaking God for Christ's sake so it was within His power to do so but He chose not to!  In my weakness, He was proving that He was strong.  Did I want to be like Jacob, wrestle with God and have a permanent limp or would I let Him carry me?

Have you seen the deodorant commercial with the tag line "Never let them see you sweat?"  Well, I had a Jennifer tag line, “Never let them see ya cry.” To say crying was out of character is an understatement but God was unearthing my reliance on my own strength.  On another melt down day,  I literally stopped and sat down at a picnic table during my run and had a boo hoo, snot slinging fit.  Sure, the kids on the jungle gym at Harmony Park looked at me funny but they didn't judge me because they aren't afraid to show their emotions to anyone when they aren't happy with life.  They looked on with a comforting and empathetic “I know, baby.  I know. We've been there. Get it all out. Somebody get this lady a juice pack and change her diaper asap.”

Running may come easy to some but it did not come easy to me. Step by step when my flesh would fail me, I would cry out to Him-sometimes in anger, sometimes in fear that I couldn't go on…that I would fail but I didn't quit when it got hard.  I learned to persevere by asking for His help, walking when I couldn't run, to limp when I hurt and taking a rest when I needed one.  I can't stay that slow and steady WON the race but I finished and it was a glorious experience crossing through the finish line after 13.1 miles.  I CAN say that I enjoyed every second of it which was a big surprise and victory for me after my dismal training.  

The most important thing that I learned was that it's not by might nor by power but by His Spirit.  I think in those times, we learn to fly on wings like eagles with our God and see things from His perspective up high and that's the season that I love:  We no longer have to push our way to the front, show our strength by sheer will, have to be number 1 but neither do we have to seek people's help in getting to where we need to go.  He provides every single thing we need along the way.  God ushers us on a private jet to the front of the line. Wow! What a Dad! 

Life is like a marathon.  We are running the race with endurance.  Looking for the finish line and for His kind of victory to become a reality in our life.  He wants us to run to Him as a little child and that may mean tears or it may mean acting immature with Him when you don't get your way just as long as we come to Him.  My husband makes me mad but I'm not going anywhere.  If we stick with God through the hard times and don't turn away from Him, we begin to understand how faithful He is and a deep abiding trust is born.   We will make it to the finish line. We trust Him, that come what may, we will get to the other side together.   If we give up on God, turn away and divorce Him then we will never experience the deep intimacy that only comes from sticking together through the hard times.  It may mean telling Him that you are done trying but there’s a beauty in that.  He carries us.  He loves you especially then because we are truly resting in Him.  

Wherever you are in the process, there will be a transition where you learn that the flesh is weak but in your weakness He becomes the only strength that you need.  In Him we find not only rest but also the victory.