What do you get when you have two turkeys in the kitchen?

I was sitting on the jumpseat with a fellow flight attendant who was hitching a ride to work. She lived in Oklahoma City and was sweet and southern. As flight attendants, we get to talking on that jumpseat. It’s the nature of chubby-ish thigh to thigh meat on a too small metal bench.

She was sharing with me how she loves to cook and is really good at it. It’s kind of her “thang” but her husband always wants to creep in on her domain and try to “help” her. (such a dear-probably taste test everything to make sure it’s not poisonous, saint that he is) She said she would much rather him be out on the grill and have her space to herself. The kitchen gets tight and tense when they try to cook together. 

They divide and conquer and it works well for them and there’s nothing wrong with that. It works for them. They probably have other things they enjoy and do well together. 

The tension over meal prep reminded me of my own trials in the kitchen. Try to cook together: all our intimacy issues became really obvious.

We're both bossy. Like if we didn't think of it, it's not the greatest idea. Our way of doing it is the best way. I was overly sensitive to my cooking abilities and Jonathon was really territorial. Thanksgiving was our personal reality show of World War Z or World War III or World War T ;) he would come behind me and taste something I was cooking and throw a pinch or more like a cup of salt in and I would do a little turkey trot over to his gravy and pronounce loudly, “Too salty. Way too salty.” AND it all kind of went downhill from there. Lots of passive aggressive comments and jabs, controlling actions (stay away from that I have it where I want it), perfection issues, hurt feelings. Having a lot of people over and trying to accomplish feeding them all and get the house ready will put any couple to the test. Our worst seems to come out right before we hear the knock on the door, growl over our food and then paste a fake grin on as we fling open the door, “Welcome to our lovely home.” I would make sure and seat him as far away from me as possible. 

We would get through the meal with gritted teeth. Try to eat turkey and pie like that.  #losesItsFlavor :-/ We wouldn’t talk for a few days. And neither of us was quick to listen or slow to speak, slow to get angry. 

Girls, when I say we had epic battles in the kitchen, it’s a little bit of an understatement. You know those battle scenes where opposing armies are in the valley rushing across the field on their horses swords in the air, arrows flying? Except we had gravy ladles pointing and salt shakers shaking, and the battle was over whether to put mushrooms and bit of mustard in the green bean casserole.

He would continue being mean or have snarky comment towards me during the meal. I would pull my pillow to the very edge of the bed without falling off and put another pillow between us. He knew what that “sign” meant. Momma’s KITCHEN IS CLOSED! We would stay disconnected until someone apologized, we’d exacted sufficient punishment on each other by taking it too far, or we would wake up and forget what we were fighting about. To repeat the same cycle over again and again any time we would try to accomplish things together under pressure. 

This was kind of our mode of operating SO We avoided working together and stayed out of each other’s way to prevent the drama.

What do you get when you have two turkeys in the kitchen?
Answer: A HOT MESS

Team work will bring out all the gunk of our connection issues. Have you seen LeBron -he’s a one man show #ballhog. Jono and I tried to play games that way. You may be winning at life but your team is falling apart and feeling unnecessary and like you are a bench warmer. Working on a team with different personalities, quirks, fears, hang ups. LAWD! The.struggle.is.real

Many couples give up trying to be a team and go with single serve “chicken" on the run. bypassing the uncomfortable silence at the dinner table.

Husband works and has his hobbies while avoiding vulnerability because he sucks at it. He sections a sliver of time for her into the midnight hour of their bedroom because he just can’t connect with her in any other way and be good at it.
Wife takes is hyper focused on kids and has her girls lunches or church ministries (ouch), romance novels or comedies, attention from guys at the gym, coffee shop,
work, spa “me” time, she works or plans a life outside of him because it’s just easier and less heartache….Or she just dies inside and shuts down losing her shine.
That's when affairs happen or you just stay out of each other's way. 

This was where Jonathon and I were headed. DISCONNECTED! 

I don’t know exactly when it happened but things began to change. For the better.

My hubby and I are both very strong willed. Slowly very slowly (like years and tears kind of slowly). We were worn out with fighting. But we grew inch by hard earned inch closer. We started to bend towards each other.
—-We finally stopped trying to change each other. 
—-We finally started listening and responding to the others wishes rather than doing it “our way”.
---We lost sight of ourselves
---the pressure came off 

Our hearts were both for connection, we just didn’t know how to do it. Whether you “believe” the bible or not, the principles there are pure gold. Forgive 70x7. Think of others more highly than yourself. Don’t give in to the flesh. Humble yourself. Serve. Give. Love. THEN get up the next day and do it all over again. Slowly your brain gets rewired to do these things faster and more readily. Those detours we take to dead ends in relationship are bypassed. because you taste the fruit of being selfless - it is sweet to the taste just like pecan pie when we lay down our right to be right.  #pride There’s freedom in His ways.

The last thanksgiving was probably the first year where we actually laughed and joked the entire time. 

A surprise even to me - I felt no pressure. No stress. It made no sense. This is the first year we should have been in each other’s way! We went from this chef’s kitchen to this teeny tiny rental house with a kitchen where we passed each other sideways and sucked in. We just had fun though and worked side by side. Being in this tiny house has forced us to connect in a more intimate way.
Jonathon served me a scoop of mashed potatoes, “Taste these before I put any more salt in them.” He praised my help and my apple cream pies. Breakthrough! 

We opened the door to our family with genuine smiles. I sat right beside him :) #thightothigh #turkeylegtoturkeyleg

I knew it was a miracle…because of where we came from. Folks, never forget where you came from or you will miss the miracles of the new season and forget to be thankful. 
This is our new MO: Team work makes the dream work…
except now we have to work on our car rides! 
#AlwaysAnAdventure #AlwaysGrowing

Are you struggling with “playing well with others?” I’ve seen these connection issues with friendships in my own life too. I’m embarrassed to say that a lot of times I give up on girls because I just don’t want to deal with the drama and I’ve had friends unfriend me too probably for the same reason.

Life is messy. There are no fairy tales. Sometimes connections get broken beyond repair.  #BurntTurkeyIsInedible BUT you can always laugh about it and order some pizza. Choose joy and choose who you partner with wisely. Fight the good fight of faith and don’t get stuck in a rut or take your ball and go home. God wants you on the team. He’s putting you in the game of relationships!

Posted with my husband's permission. His comment: "hope this helps some other battling chefs out there" 😜