Goodbye

“So, based on Duke’s medical issues, are you saying it would be best to let him go?” my husband asked.

We were at the after hours emergency vet hospital.   “In my opinion, that would be the best thing for him,” the vet said quietly.

No, not like this.  Not in this sterile environment. I can’t leave him here.  I said, “I want to take him home.  If he’s going to go, I want it to be there.”  Duke’s decline was daily: subtle but steady.  I knew he was sick but it was too sudden for my heart to accept.  I hadn’t come to terms with letting my friend go. 

The vet said, not without compassion, “I highly discourage that.  It’s a really difficult process that most people can’t handle.  It might be best for you and the family to let him go here.  He will feel no pain.  Having said that, we can do whatever you feel most comfortable with.”  

When asked where the chicken marsala on the pretty white china plate comes from most would answer:  the freezer section of the grocery store.  However, we aren’t the family that is unfamiliar with death or suffering.  My men kill things, skin them, we eat them and give thanks.   We have seen death up close and know there is a purpose to all of it.  I know… grizzly… sorry but I wasn’t afraid to watch my dog go.  I wanted it to be on his own terms. I almost required it. I wanted to hold him in that moment without the coldness of the unfamiliar room, the staff who were strangers, the too bright lights.

My family disagreed with me. I wouldn’t bulldoze them. I realized my desires were more about me.  Duke was catatonic and unresponsive.  Now having seizures. The life seemed to have already left his beautiful brown eyes.  I’m not afraid of doing hard things but sometimes hard isn’t always the way to go.  Love does what is good for all.  I relented.

Still, we prayed for God to wake Duke up so he could stay with us a little bit longer.  I believe in God's restoration and resurrection power and I will always pray for that.  ALWAYS.  I realized though without total restoration too it would be a somewhat selfish prayer. Looking back duke had been in great pain for at least a year.  Duke just wasn’t the type to whine about it.  Always loving us with no expectations of a return investment.  He stayed with us stoically until he simply couldn't anymore.  

We all cried and said our goodbyes to Duke.  I prayed, “Lord, into your hands we commit Duke’s spirit.”  (a scipture in the Psalms spoken by King David when he was distressed) The vet administered the medicine and his heart slowed until it stopped.  

I am not a huge animal lover.  At 12 years, I knew Duke’s time would come sooner rather than later….so I was shocked when I cried so much over the next three days that my eye got infected.  I didn't sleep well.  My husband had to pet my hair and even then I would wake up a couple of hours later crying…sobbing really. I would look at the place where he laid for years and burst into tears.  I played the piano and remembered how he would come stand next to me and try to put his head under my hands.  In truth, I think it hurt his ears and he wanted me to stop. LOL   

There was talk of another dog and the sweet and funny memories of Duke but I wasn’t ready for any of that.  I wanted to grieve properly if that's possible and hear from God.  My question for God, “Is Duke with you, God, or not?”  Maybe some have such faith they don’t need these types of things but that’s not me and I gotta think God knows His kids and cares.  Until I heard from him, I wouldn’t have true peace.  

God was radio silent for three solid days on my question.  I felt His love but didn’t have an answer.  My spirit would know when it came. On the third day, I felt prompted to look up my last prayer I prayed for Duke.  I googled the words. It brought up the Psalm by King David but also referenced another scripture Luke 23:46 (THANK GOD FOR GOOGLE;) 

Luke 23:46 Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." When ‘Jesus’ had said this, he breathed his last.

I felt the peace of God wash over me.  God answered.  He cares about what we love.  When Duke breathed his last breath, his spirit was with Him. I am still sad. Tears are steady rolling down my cheeks as I write this but my tears aren’t without hope.  

I was laying in my bed this morning, thinking of Duke.  Sad because I couldn’t see his sweet smile.  It was actually a pretty ugly smile.  He looked like he was growling but it was so dear to me :)   Thank God dogs don't have mirrors...

My conversation with God:  “There’s a sadness still here in my heart.”  

I heard in my Spirit:  “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.”

Me:  “Comfort me God.  My heart hurts. Will it always be this way?” 

God:  “I work all things together for good.”

Me:  “I know, God, but how can you work this for good?  Your ways are so much higher than mine.  Help me think like you. It’s not exactly the same but what about a parent who loses a child?  I know you may work that together for good-others might know you or be softened and willing to reach out to you but what about the Mother?  The ache in her heart WILL NEVER EVER go away.  Ever.”

God:  “I work all things together for good.” 

Me: Okay, I heard you the first time…and I’m still sad.  

I began thinking about the losses in my life over the last couple of years.  My husband’s best friend was gone within nine months of being diagnosed with cancer.  A family friend who passed.My mother-in-law had passed away after prolonged illnesses and much pain. 

I couldn’t lay in bed all day like I kind of wanted to.  It was time to get moving. I looked at my text messages and a friend had sent me the scripture I heard that morning:  God works things together for good.  At that exact moment, while I was holding my phone.  The exact text came through AGAIN but separately on the same thread.

Instead of being frustrated by it as I was earlier, my thinking shifted.

This may not be as earth shattering for you. He OPENED MY MIND to see things from a different perspective.   I realized I was thinking small.  About this life.  It’s so short.  For us, we may have 70…80…possibly 90 years. For a dog, maybe 11-20 at most. Life here on the spinning Earth is so fleeting in light of eternity.  When He opened my mind, it’s like I let go of the reigns for this life.  I hold on to this life less because it’s not my home.  It’s not eternity.  The sadness.  The ache is there but it’s brief.  

John 16:33 Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

While I was writing this my iPod cycled on a song.  Guess what the chorus said, “YOU WORK ALL THINGS TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD.” 

Experts, both atheists and believers, say 10 out of 10 will die.  No one can escape death indefinitely.  (unless your Elijah with his chariot of fire ;) Jesus didn't escape death but He conquered it and made a way for us to conquer it too.  He is alive and waiting for us ON THE OTHER SIDE!  When I see Him face to face, all my troubles, tears, fears, angst will fade away.  He realigned my vision to see from His perspective: eternally.  I have something to look forward to.  Being reunited with all of those that I love as well as get a big old bear hug from Jesus ;)  Jesus can resurrect and can heal.  When He doesn't, I know this life is but a vapor and will now say "I will see you again soon." 

His way is better.  His love is higher.  He works everything together for good.  I was blind about that but now I see. 

Action item:  Don’t understand something?  Ask God to speak to your heart and see help you see things from His perspective.  Wait and He will answer.

Can we pray? 

Yes?  

Yay!  I love to pray!

Jesus, help us to see things from your heavenly perspective.  When our minds are confused, enlighten us.  When our hearts hurt, comfort us in your name we ask and pray.