Friday, February 20, 2015

Goodbye


“So, based on Duke’s medical issues, are you saying it would be best to let him go?” my husband asked.

We were at the after hours emergency vet hospital.   “In my opinion, that would be the best thing for him,” the vet said quietly.

No, not like this.  Not in this sterile environment. I can’t leave him here.  I said, “I want to take him home.  If he’s going to go, I want it to be there.”  Duke’s decline was daily: subtle but steady.  I knew he was sick but it was too sudden for my heart to accept.  I hadn’t come to terms with letting my friend go. 

The vet said, not without compassion, “I highly discourage that.  It’s a really difficult process that most people can’t handle.  It might be best for you and the family to let him go here.  He will feel no pain.  Having said that, we can do whatever you feel most comfortable with.”  



When asked where the chicken marsala on the pretty white china plate comes from most would answer:  the freezer section of the grocery store.  However, we aren’t the family that is unfamiliar with death or suffering.  My men kill things, skin them, we eat them and give thanks.   We have seen death up close and know there is a purpose to all of it.  I know… grizzly… sorry but I wasn’t afraid to watch my dog go.  I wanted it to be on his own terms. I almost required it. I wanted to hold him in that moment without the coldness of the unfamiliar room, the staff who were strangers, the too bright lights.

My family disagreed with me. I wouldn’t bulldoze them. I realized my desires were more about me.  Duke was catatonic and unresponsive.  Now having seizures. The life seemed to have already left his beautiful brown eyes.  I’m not afraid of doing hard things but sometimes hard isn’t always the way to go.  Love does what is good for all.  I relented.

Still, we prayed for God to wake Duke up so he could stay with us a little bit longer.  I believe in God's restoration and resurrection power and I will always pray for that.  ALWAYS.  I realized though without total restoration too it would be a somewhat selfish prayer. Looking back duke had been in great pain for at least a year.  Duke just wasn’t the type to whine about it.  Always loving us with no expectations of a return investment.  He stayed with us stoically until he simply couldn't anymore.  

We all cried and said our goodbyes to Duke.  I prayed, “Lord, into your hands we commit Duke’s spirit.”  (a scipture in the Psalms spoken by King David when he was distressed) The vet administered the medicine and his heart slowed until it stopped.  
I am not a huge animal lover.  At 12 years, I knew Duke’s time would come sooner rather than later….so I was shocked when I cried so much over the next three days that my eye got infected.  I didn't sleep well.  My husband had to pet my hair and even then I would wake up a couple of hours later crying…sobbing really. I would look at the place where he laid for years and burst into tears.  I played the piano and remembered how he would come stand next to me and try to put his head under my hands.  In truth, I think it hurt his ears and he wanted me to stop. LOL   

There was talk of another dog and the sweet and funny memories of Duke but I wasn’t ready for any of that.  I wanted to grieve properly if that's possible and hear from God.  My question for God, “Is Duke with you, God, or not?”  Maybe some have such faith they don’t need these types of things but that’s not me and I gotta think God knows His kids and cares.  Until I heard from him, I wouldn’t have true peace.  

God was radio silent for three solid days on my question.  I felt His love but didn’t have an answer.  My spirit would know when it came. On the third day, I felt prompted to look up my last prayer I prayed for Duke.  I googled the words. It brought up the Psalm by King David but also referenced another scripture Luke 23:46 (THANK GOD FOR GOOGLE;) 

Luke 23:46 Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." When ‘Jesus’ had said this, he breathed his last.

I felt the peace of God wash over me.  God answered.  He cares about what we love.  When Duke breathed his last breath, his spirit was with Him. I am still sad. Tears are steady rolling down my cheeks as I write this but my tears aren’t without hope.  

I was laying in my bed this morning, thinking of Duke.  Sad because I couldn’t see his sweet smile.  It was actually a pretty ugly smile.  He looked like he was growling but it was so dear to me :)   Thank God dogs don't have mirrors...





My conversation with God:  “There’s a sadness still here in my heart.”  
I heard in my Spirit:  “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.”
Me:  “Comfort me God.  My heart hurts. Will it always be this way?” 
God:  “I work all things together for good.”
Me:  “I know, God, but how can you work this for good?  Your ways are so much higher than mine.  Help me think like you. It’s not exactly the same but what about a parent who loses a child?  I know you may work that together for good-others might know you or be softened and willing to reach out to you but what about the Mother?  The ache in her heart WILL NEVER EVER go away.  Ever.”
God:  “I work all things together for good.” 
Me: Okay, I heard you the first time…and I’m still sad.  

I began thinking about the losses in my life over the last couple of years.  My husband’s best friend was gone within nine months of being diagnosed with cancer.  A family friend who passed.My mother-in-law had passed away after prolonged illnesses and much pain. 

I couldn’t lay in bed all day like I kind of wanted to.  It was time to get moving. I looked at my text messages and a friend had sent me the scripture I heard that morning:  God works things together for good.  At that exact moment, while I was holding my phone.  The exact text came through AGAIN but separately on the same thread.

Instead of being frustrated by it as I was earlier, my thinking shifted.

This may not be as earth shattering for you. He OPENED MY MIND to see things from a different perspective.   I realized I was thinking small.  About this life.  It’s so short.  For us, we may have 70…80…possibly 90 years. For a dog, maybe 11-20 at most. Life here on the spinning Earth is so fleeting in light of eternity.  When He opened my mind, it’s like I let go of the reigns for this life.  I hold on to this life less because it’s not my home.  It’s not eternity.  The sadness.  The ache is there but it’s brief.  

John 16:33 Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

While I was writing this my iPod cycled on a song.  Guess what the chorus said, “YOU WORK ALL THINGS TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD.” 

Experts, both atheists and believers, say 10 out of 10 will die.  No one can escape death indefinitely.  (unless your Elijah with his chariot of fire ;) Jesus didn't escape death but He conquered it and made a way for us to conquer it too.  He is alive and waiting for us ON THE OTHER SIDE!  When I see Him face to face, all my troubles, tears, fears, angst will fade away.  He realigned my vision to see from His perspective: eternally.  I have something to look forward to.  Being reunited with all of those that I love as well as get a big old bear hug from Jesus ;)  Jesus can resurrect and can heal.  When He doesn't, I know this life is but a vapor and will now say "I will see you again soon." 

His way is better.  His love is higher.  He works everything together for good.  I was blind about that but now I see. 

Action item:  Don’t understand something?  Ask God to speak to your heart and see help you see things from His perspective.  Wait and He will answer.

Can we pray? 
Yes?  
Yay!  I love to pray!

Jesus, help us to see things from your heavenly perspective.  When our minds are confused, enlighten us.  When our hearts hurt, comfort us in your name we ask and pray.  





Hugs Work

Hugs work.
In corner bakery this morning and there was a lady crying. I stayed at my table and prayed for her to feel peace and comfort. Her husband and another man at the table were trying to talk to her...to console her but she kept crying. They got up to leave and I sat there wondering how to show her love or even if I should. I felt myself getting up (without a plan) and caught up to her. I said "Can I give you a hug?" She cried a little harder but we hugged for a bit. She said, "thank you and God bless you." I said "I'm so sorry you are hurting and I prayed that God would comfort you." But then I realize He already had.
Hugs work.

photo by:  http://www.wendywhitephotography.com

Thursday, February 12, 2015

If God can speak through an ass...

“I’ve gotten away from the traditional faith,” my new friend commented at lunch. She no longer considered herself strictly a Christian but believed in many ways to God.  We continued our lunch and some of her views were refreshing.  For example, she completely removed herself from judging others and had very little fear in her life.  We talked about spirituality, God, our dreams and I believe we honored each other despite our lack of agreement on the subject of Jesus.  When I left our lunch, God gave me a little peek into my friend’s thought process.  I heard her heart question, “How can I love Jesus who I’ve never seen?”  Wow!  Good question. 

A story unfolded in my mind.  A mother in labor.  There was a choice.  It was her life or the child’s and the mother gave her life to save the child. 

I saw a movie many years ago called The Seventh Sign.  An old Demi Moore movie before she got boy crazy over Ashton and lost her darn mind. Anyway, it’s a fairly good movie...not “biblically sound" but if God can speak through an "ass," I guess He can speak anytime...anywhere...and through who He chooses.   

(Numbers 22:28 King James Version And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?)
 I saw a picture of God’s heart towards us within the movie:  Medical reasons prevented Abby (played by Demi) from bringing babies to full term.  The pain of the multiple losses of her “almost” children…of the what could have been…the hopes being dashed time and again left her fragile….to the point where death seemed like a release.  In the movie, Abby was so tormented that she tried to end her life but lived.   

Abby was pregnant again and began having issues again in her last trimester.  She would do anything to save her baby. The man who loosely portrayed Jesus turned Abby’s wrists over and pointed to the place where she had dug in with the razor and said sadly, “How can one who cared so little for life give hope to the world?”
Abby said, “I do care.  I want to try.” 

The baby was born…not breathing…dead.  The doctor held the still baby.  

Abby flashed back to Jesus being beaten by the roman soldiers.  The man who would crucify Jesus shouted at her, “Will you die for him? WILL YOU DIE FOR HIM?!”  

Abby lifted up from her hospital gurney and said, “Yes, I will die for him.”  Her finger touched her sons unmoving and tiny hand.  Abby heard her son cry and saw him begin to move as she closed her eyes.   Abby gave her life for her son to live. 

The movie ended there but that’s where the heart cry of my friend could be answered.  Say she was that child.  She could no longer physically SEE her mother but she would be told stories of her mother’s sacrifice…of a love so complete for her that her mother would willingly give her own life to see her live. 

That’s what Jesus did.  Maybe I can’t see him on this Earth because HE DIED giving me eternal life…Jesus is the perfect sacrifice and it is all sufficient. I could never take His place. He didn’t just leave me though.   He came to Earth for a purpose to save me and then He went back to heaven where I will spend eternity with Him. Like an internal GPS, He left His Spirit is within me while I walk this Earth so I can always find Him when I look for Him.  Jesus isn't like "Where's Waldo."  We don't have to look here and there for someone who loves us to the death.  It is Jesus. It is finished. If we ask, we have access to Him, His peace, His love, His comfort.

Will you pray with me?  

Good, you’re still here :)  

Jesus, I am united with you through your Spirit that is within me…just like a mother’s DNA, I carry you in every fiber of my being.   I pray that I would know, feel and experience your love, peace and comfort.  Set eternity in my heart so I know this life is not the end.

John 3:16-17 For God expressed His love for the world in this way: He gave His only Son so that whoever believes in Him will not face everlasting destruction, but will have everlasting life. Here’s the point. God didn’t send His Son into the world to judge it; instead, He is here to rescue a world headed toward certain destruction…” No one who believes in Him has to fear condemnation

John 10:17-18  The Father loves Me because I am willing to lay down My life—but I will take it up again. My life cannot be taken away by anybody else; I am giving it of My own free will. My authority allows Me to give My life and to take it again. All this has been commanded by My Father.