#Qwitter

My four year old nephew, Gunner, loves his legos.  His eyes lit up when I gave him a new set at dinner.  Garrett, my mechanical engineer brother in law, seemed excited too but played if off nicely.  “Gunner, what do you tell Aunt Jennifer?”  as if to say, “Keep ‘em coming, Aunt Jenn.” I guess big boys like to play with Legos too. 

As soon as we stepped in the door from dinner, Gunner started ripping all the bags open and commingling lego parts. Dang, Gunner, don’t you know that you have to keep the individual lego packages separated to build effectively?  In my humble auntie opinion, Gunner’s brain is advanced far beyond his tiny four year old frame so I bought him the legos recommended for ages 8-14 years with 250+ pieces. #oopsmybad. 

Gunner needed a little guidance so my husband sat down with him and said, “Gunner, do you know how to read?” In his innocent four year old boy voice, Gunner responded matter of factly, “No, I don’t.  Will you help me?” My husband is a great teacher.  He didn’t take over for Gunner but showed him the picture and asked Gunner to locate the two tiny pieces needed to make a connection.  He didn’t continue to show him the big picture or say “Figure it out yourself.”  He broke it down into bite sized little pieces that Gunner could handle.  Each time my husband would get distracted from the lego building process, Gunner would say without frustration, “Jono, will you please help me?” 

Inevitably at some point when I step out to do anything that requires perseverance, I entertain thoughts of being a #qwitter. You probably don’t ever think like that. I’m probably the only one.;) I find myself frustrated and second guessing myself.  I’m not willing to ask for help and trying to do things in my own strength.  I want to pick up my legos and go home…crying.

#QwitterMoments

1. Every time I go for a run but especially when I began training for a half marathon in the 100+degree summer heat of Texas. #DailyMeltdowns #Literally One day I came back from another run-sweltering heat, pain shooting through my knee with every step. I felt like I was dragging a bag of bricks behind me.  I limped into the house and started crying and screaming at God, “You could heal me and YOU WON’T!  I’m doing this FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU ASKED me to and now you won’t even help me!  I threw a pillow at the wall because I knew it wouldn’t break anything.  I then realized there was someone else home. #momslosingit I got through the training though. It wasn’t pretty, but I completed my half marathon.  You’ve probably heard the saying “90% is showing up.” Well, it’s true. I couldn’t even get out of bed if I thought about how many miles were on my lego road for the day. I trained myself to focus only on the next step and not the piece of resistance (Lego movie plug;) I asked God for strength to take that step and then the next until I saw the finish line and it was glorious.
   
   
   
   
2. I soo wanted to quit during my training to be a flight attendant.  I was ready to go home and be a mom, wife and lazy butt again.  I was tired of getting up at 4 am and staying up late studying. I went from doing what I wanted, when I wanted to someone dictating my shade of lipstick and critiquing how perfect my bun was. A little over halfway through the training in my morning prayers I told God I needed encouragement.  I needed him to verify that I was following Him in this and not alone or I was O-U-T.  That very day some random lady passed me in the hallway and said, “You’re almost there. Don’t give up.”  (a nice way of saying don’t be a #qwitter) I always cry when God gives me His sweet confirmations.  They are my fuel to allow me to keep my jets going ;) 
   
    
3. When my husband wasn’t being affectionate in our marriage, I was so tired of praying and crying. #RighteousAnger #GladiStayed #workinprogress
   
   I know I was confused about what legos were mine and what were my husbands.  I tried to commingle all the parts and pieces into confusing chaos.  A lot of that came from some well meaning teachings.  I got some things straightened out in my head and in my heart through my relationship with God.  My life, my hobbies, my choices, whether I was beautiful or not were directed by his moods and treatment of me.   I even wanted to use his lego creations and call them my own. My husband’s lego castle was a perfect place for a #qwitter to hide.  He graduated from college and I didn’t.  He was always strong and I could be dependent upon his strength but the truth is neither of us were completely relying on God when we got married.  We were both very disappointed in each other.  Now, I know that I can build my own things and my husband is proud of me and respects my accomplishments.  I am not a reflection of my husband.  I am unique and created in my Father’s image for a special  purpose and not one other lego creation in the world looks like mine.  #myhusbandisamazingbutnotperfect #i’mnoteither
4. wanted to quit #every.single.mission.trip.ever   #LoveMerica On Day 7 of my first mission trip to a country known for it’s human trafficking, I was so scared of being trafficked that I feared for my own safety, I needed to go home….not really… but that was one of the reasons I tearfully told my husband.  I’m a resourceful girl.  When I want to get out of something, I’m really good at finding a way.  I found a first class ticket for a reasonable $7K coming home 3 days early.  My husband was ‘on board’ with me coming home early to avoid being trafficked but he asked that I try to find a less expensive ticket if possible. I love my sweet hubby for being willing to pay whatever it took for me to get home. Did I mention that I would be leaving my daughter in the foreign country to stay with the other more professional and #nonqwitter missionaries? Don’t judge me. Real reason for quitting:  I was tired. The leader was getting on my nerves.  It was pretty stinky everywhere.  Flies always buzzing around the food including our “special meal.”  Said special meal was considered a delicacy within the country we visited and consisted of a single dead fish with eyeballs intact.(the eyeballs were the delicacy part-EEEWWWW!)  I secretly munched on the protein bar in my purse and ate what looked like french fries surrounding the fish while politely using my napkin as a burial shroud to cover the fish that was eyeballing me.  Most places we travelled had no electricity or running water and were equipped with only a hole in the ground for potty purposes.  I was not a natural at the squat and aim technique required and practiced by men daily.  Without a good feel or control over the flow, most of my mess ended up on my shoes.  GROOOOSSSSS! I know. I was overwhelmed and just wanted my beautiful clean porcelain toilet that included a seat but when I prayed I felt like God said, “I want you to see this through.  Finish strong.”    Well, I’m not sure if I finished strong but I didn’t pick up my legos and go home when things weren’t going my way.  I stayed and felt like I had conquered the whole mission trip thing so I decided to go on another one the following year to India.  It was the mission trip from hell for me.  I started strong but crawled over the finish line at DFW airport kissing the ground.  I don’t know WHO but Jesus Christ Himself could have made it through that mission trip.  On day 5 of 10 what must have been a bird the size of a Pterodactyl pooped a big doodie on my head and all down the front on my shirt.
   
    It was a bunch of crap and all downhill from there.

   

   poo picture doesn't do it justice but my hair was covered in "droppings"

   By the end of the trip, I was so sick and I had no idea what was wrong with me.  I imagined all sorts of deadly diseases: hepatitis Z (a new strain), AIDS, or maybe a deadly "bird flu." (ha) On the airplane home, I was a tad bit dramatic in my delirious fever and thought that they would someday make a movie sequel to Contagion about me pretending to act healthy to get on the airplane.  We could call the blockbuster remake CONTAGION- THE INDIA STRAIN.  Of course Jennifer Aniston would play the role of me being a carrier and the host for the pathogen that wiped out every single person on my plane and infected America.  When I got off the plane, I cried and went directly to Care Now where I was diagnosed with both the strep throat and flu. Quote from doctor, “Getting both of these at the same time is kind of like getting struck by lightning and getting ran over by a truck in the same day.”   After that, I WAS SO DONE WITH traditional mission trips.  Who can blame me? Now, I prefer to “vacation” and pray everywhere I go…that’s my version of mission trips these days.  I think I’ve done my time with bed bugs sucking my blood while I slept. 

Even writing this blog you are currently reading…when the words weren’t coming I had the urge to shut my computer down and go shopping but I no longer listen to that voice…#actuallysometimesido #shoppingtherapy  

When something wasn't working out in my life, I tried to trade it in for new legos.  #refundplease Sometimes we do need to be a #qwitter like in an abusive relationship where the other person isn’t willing to make needed adjustments for the relationship to be healthy.  Some things are for a season only and when the season changes, we can embrace it and leave those legos behind. The key is to hear from God on direction and being obedient to what HE is telling us to do.  Sometimes we walk away and sometimes we stay.  If we are submitting each decision to God, He will guide us.  

From my lego life building and watching Gunner, I learned a valuable lesson. Not only do we need physical strength but emotional support.  We need to be willing to take responsibility and be faithful with our own projects (and messes) while being willing to be vulnerable and ask for help.  Like Gunner, we get tired and need a break.  we need to create, build and finish projects both solo with God and other projects in unity with others.  Someone bigger and smarter is guiding us and helping us along the way and in that we mature and our Spirit rises to the occasion and gives us confidence for the next challenge. 

Three things God trains us to do with our lego building:

1. Have a strong will

2. Submit that strong will to His plans and ways

3. Create in our own unique design to bring His Kingdom and change the world

You’ve probably been wondering why I chose #qwitter as my title.  No?  Well, let me tell you. First, it was a witty title that my husband suggested.  Second, I signed up for twitter 3 years ago and have only made  a handful of tweets so I might be considered a #twitter #qwitter since I primarily use my account to stalk my 17 year old son and stay abreast of his social life.  I’m not a thriving, active twitter-er but I wouldn’t say I’m a twitter #qwitter either.  On this journey, we can’t be #qwitters unless we give up and as long as we are open to God’s help, He won’t let us fail.  We may have to learn the same lesson again and again until we mature and see our legos take shape but we aren’t #qwitters.  It’s just not an option.   Where there’s God, there’s always hope to start again.  I think I’ll try to do something I’ve never done and tweet with the link to this blog.

The end…unless you are struggling with hopelessness then read on

Everyone is different in the way they respond and react to situations in their life. We have our own personalities along with strengths and weaknesses.  Our own history of pain when those who could have taken the time to show us the way couldn’t or wouldn’t.  When we we were little and needed safety…encouragement…help, we didn’t receive it.  The drama and trauma were to big for our little minds to comprehend. Our emotions, our needs, wants and desires got all jumbled together like when Gunner opened the separate packages and put them in a big pile.  Through other’s choices, life handed us the 8-14 year old lego set when we weren’t ready and it overwhelmed us and broke our heart and soul. 

The only way that I know to fix those broken and disconnected legos of our life is to ask God to help put us back together with the innocent trust of a four year old child, “God, will you help me?” Not try to man handle and smash pieces together that don’t match, not try to hide our mess but to again take a chance and trust like a child…to become dependent upon someone bigger than us to bring us the help we need when we need it. 

If you are struggling with hopelessness read this prayer out loud:

Jesus, I choose today to extend my trust and open my heart for your healing touch.  Lead me and guide me.  Let your presence be real and manifested in my life. I entrust my heart to your protection.  

Now watch and wait until you feel His touch healing your heart.  He’s near to the brokenhearted.