What happened on the Sunday after Friday the Thirteenth?

Do you remember watching the Karate Kid? Depending on whether you are from Generation X, Y, Z or the newest generation #ME, Mr. Miagi’s protegee was either Ralph Macchio or Jaden Smith.  #waxon #waxoff   Mr. Miagi’s instructions didn’t always make sense to the young Daniel-son  (hey, whatever happened to that guy?)   Mr. Miagi wasn't trying to be a bossy pants. He didn't want to control Daniel-son or punish him, he was training the immature him to use his power for good and combat the enemy effectively.

1 Jn 2:27 But you have received the Holy Spirit, and he LIVES within you, so you don't need anyone to TEACH you what is true. For the Spirit TEACHES you EVERYTHING you need to know, and what he teaches is true--it is not a lie. So just as he has taught you, remain in fellowship with Christ.

COURAGE

If we are a follower of Jesus, we train with the Sensei of the Most High, the Holy Spirit.Simply having the Holy Spirit is like obtaining a degree in Psychology. We need our “Master’s Degree” of COURAGE to put it to use.   We can’t unlock the door to the Holy Spirit without the key of courage.

TRAINING

Every day we have an opportunity to choose to SHOW UP, FOCUS, LISTEN and PRACTICE with the Holy Spirit.  That takes courage, my friends. We usually don’t understand the “why’s” of following the Holy Spirit until AFTER we are obedient. The Holy Spirit IS NOT WEIRD but you will have to get out of your comfort zone.   Some of us are "opting out" and being "no shows" for assignments from the Holy Spirit.  It's like calling in sick every day for work.  Except your boss loves you and will never fire you ;)  If we don't obey, we remain  on the team but we "bench" ourselves.

Having the Holy Spirit but never obeying is like bowling with bumpers. #lame #boring.  It’s training with Chuck Liddell (#totalbadass)  for a cage match but never stepping foot in the octagon.  Sometimes following the Holy Spirit requires feeling a tad bit ridiculous like when cage fighters wear those... um... not so flattering and less than fashionable shorts or for the girly girls, who can't relate to my above examples, it might be like wearing bright red lipstick for the first time...that takes courage too ;) 

picture found at: http://tensportsclub.com/chuck-liddell-wrestler/

COURAGE'S CRYPTONITE

Fear resurrects the enemy and is courage's cryptonite.  Take, for example the Friday the Thireenth series… in my opinion, completely overdone….Friday the Thirteenth I , II, III (okay, those makes sense)  The Final Chapter (Thank you Jesus), A New Beginning (No You ARE DEAD, remember?), The New Blood (what does that even mean??) Jason Takes Manhattan (absolutely preposterous)  We can rest assured that even though Jason still continued to show up on his favorite Friday,  we don’t have to entertain him, and Jesus conquered the grave on Sunday! Your done buddy.  You get two days to gloat and then you are put in the place you tried to put Jesus, THE GRAVE!  End of story.  No more sequels for you. 

Remember, eyes on God so it’s not necessary to focus on the enemy but nor is it beneficial to always ignore his presence.    We can be aware of evil but remain in peace like Jesus.  Anyone who has watched Friday the Thirteenth knows it starts out all peaceful and serene…Some naive campers, with legs dangling off the pier, sit cluelessly by the water while Jason lurks in the deep waiting for darkness to grab those tanned legs.  Sadly, these goobers are always the first to go :( 

….Then there are the Fighters and Flighters  (you know who you are ;) 

Fighters (yep, this is me): 

People who have the gift of discernment (able to pick up on the good and evil around us) know when something is coming.  We don't back down from a fight and this can cause us to make a critical mistake. We can’t take our eyes off the enemy so we we rarely experience the power and protection of God.  We live in machismo (look it up in the thing) and are always getting in a street fight with the enemy.    Reminds me of the timeless song, "Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting, Those kicks were fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, But they fought with expert timing.” (Lyrics by Carl Douglas)  Unforunately, sometimes fear makes us FIGHT. We fight in our own strength and wonder why we always end up with black eyes, bloody noses and taking sucker punches to the gonads.  I’ve learned to hold on to what is good and shun evil commanding, in Jesus name, His peace and His Kingdom to come wherever I go. 

In the words of Christina Aquilera being buffeted by the enemy works for good in our life-it makes us a lot like Rocky Balboa: “makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, thanks for making me a fighter.”  #yoadrian We learn strategies and how to win against the enemy through the Holy Spirit.  His blood is the weapon of warfare not our own. Worship are our death blows to the enemy.

For the Fighters: Exodus 14:14 says, "God will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!” OH SO HARD FOR ME TO DO sometimes but I’m learning.

Flighters:

Others with the gift of discernment try to hide from the enemy. These runners or hiders are traditionally found in the storage closet clutching a garden tool for protection.  That darn devil hates God’s children and is a malevolent and much stronger foe than we can tackle by ourselves. Remember it’s not by might nor by power but by His SPIRIT.  When we know how loved we are, how protected we are by God’s hand, we know that greater is He within me than he that is within the world.   That’s the battle we face, remaining in peace and standing firm.  The battle against the enemy has already been won, we need only to have the courage enforce it.  We get all of Heaven’s army as our protection and we are hidden under the shadow of His wing IF we trust Him and remain in His peace.

For the Flighters...and this is another version of the SAME scripture above but a different version :)  Exodus 14:14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”  #chill

Most of us have seen the enemy face to face and did a little potty in our pants.   I think that’s normal as we are maturing in the Holy Spirit. Fear can be like a bad haircut that takes a while to grow out.  It doesn't immediately go away.  Little by little as you take courageous steps, you will grow. I had panic attacks for years at night.  I would wake up heart racing and was terrified for NO LOGICAL REASON!  I would avoid going to bed until I was exhausted or make bad choices to avoid being alone. It still happens to me when I’m feeling overwhelmed in life but I’m learning to trust that I’m safe and He is with me always.  I would sleep with my bible under my pillow but that didn't make the fear go away.  For some reason all the fear that I had grown up with had a hold on me.  it wasn't going to go away until I BELIEVED that I was LOVED and PROTECTED.  Merely quoting scriptures have no power against the enemy unless you believe them in your heart of hearts.   His perfect love casts out my fear and I know that God is with me.  Fight the good fight of faith against your fear.

I had a terrible car wreck on halloween a few years ago.  Make no mistake our innocent dressing up like the enemy is a form of worship and it does give darkness a measure of power when we dabble in it.  I’m not a weirdo about it or even fearful about halloween. I don’t stand on a box, with my microphone on the corner or my neighborhood forecasting doom, gloom and curses over the little kiddies dressed up like monsters hopped up on candy.  I see the beauty behind the masks. Instead,  I walk around my neighborhood asking for His peace and love to reign.  I give out candy with nice little love notes on them from Jesus and I also pray over my property that anyone that steps foot on it will be engulfed in His LOVE and feel the presence of their Heavenly Father.  When I focus too much on the enemy and his power, I get off track.  We are not a reflection of evil and our eyes don’t belong there. We are a reflection of our Father and can trust His protection…  We may stumble, but He will always catch us and He is training us to trust NO MATTER WHAT WE SEE.  On the Sunday after Friday the Thirteenth, Jesus conquered the grave!  

Acts 2:24 But God released 'Jesus' from the horrors of death and raised him back to life, for death could not keep him in its grip.

Colossians 2:15 In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.

1 Corinthians 15:55, 57 O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY? O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR STING? But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

With eternity in mind, the things I have faced have all been blips on the radar of my life.  I got to love on the girl who plowed into my car, I got $2500 from the above lease vehicle (since when does anyone get money back on a lease vehicle?), I received healing for my head that was injured and I walked away from it.  My son was supposed to be in the car with me in the very seat that took the hardest hit but, at the last minute, he stayed behind.  I know we don’t always see the silver lining when we have something valuable that we love taken from us..It hurts.  The pain may never completely go away like if we lose a child, or maybe we deal with longterm illness and see no healing in this life, what about the divorce that is finalized against our wishes with no reconciliation?  I don’t have an answer of the why but I know that I’ve pushed all my chips into the middle of the table and I’m betting on Him. 
(feeling convicted- that was a "little" lie ;) maybe I still have a few chips in my pocket… God knows what they are and still loves me.  The Holy Spirit is working WITH me on these items and He has love and mercy for you ;)

COURAGEOUS FAITH:

Matthew 28:18-20 “Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: “God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I’ll be with you as you do this.”

Jesus is challenging you.  He IS CHARGING YOU to get out there.  Courage isn’t being loud, having big cajones or machismo (you probably looked that up by now).  No, it simply requires risk, obedience and love.  The courage guru in my mind would be Mother Theresa.  She was surrounded with sick people... lepers with oozing sores.  There was the potential for risk to her own health with a contagious disease (ok, im not that courageous yet).  She was sweet, humble, kind, compassionate, selfless, cared about the rejected, lonely and unloved.   She had a peace that transcended all understanding and she just helped the next person that God brought to her.  She was faithful and she loved with no bounds.  That’s courage. 

Wanna pray?  Good, me too.

God, cast fear out with your perfect love.  Show us your love everywhere we go.  If you are with us, then we can conquer anything so give us signs of your presence.  We hear and follow your voice.  The voice of a stranger we will NEVER follow.  Hide us under the shadow of your wing.  We give you our fear and ask for Holy Spirit boldness and courage in Jesus name and by His power. 

Call 9-1-1, Mayhem Just Wrecked My Heart

You’ve seen the Allstate commercials with the crazy guy in a torn suit and grease on his face named Mayhem, right?  You wince and watch on while some poor unfortunate soul’s minivan is crushed by Mayhem’s handiwork. #crashandburn #suckstobethatguy Well, there is no insurance package to protect the heart from Mayhem’s destructive ways. Deep relationships require vulnerability and access to our hearts.  A heart exposed requires great risk.

Mayhem guy, Allstate Ins.ready to pounce

When Mayhem comes a calling in our relationships we all react differently.  I’ve seen a few people who have decided to self insure or keep their heart in a garage behind lock and key to prevent further damage.  However, in the alternative, there’s also the adrenaline junkies who ride the roller coaster of love again and again along - that was me.  We are the dare devils who feed on Mayhem taking dumb risks that leave our hearts totaled and us on a stretcher.    

image from picshunger.com

FAULTY FOUNDATION

Innately our Creator built us with a blueprint that requires a reinforced foundation of unconditional love.  We can take calculated risks in love because our Father’s foundation is already set in stone.  Our relationships then build the house and decorate our heart once that foundation is in place.  So when something comes in that doesn’t fit on that foundation we recognize it and refuse it.  We are able to set healthy boundaries to protect our hearts from people who are trying to build something different.  We are responsible for our foundation and teach others what we will and will not allow in our “house.”  We don’t have to gamble at the Lucky In Love Casino, risk it all and lose it all for  of love. Like banking, it’s a low risk loan because we already have a bazillion in our God’s Love Bank.  Instead of worrying about our exposure, we only open our hearts to the investments that we are willing to take a risk on.  We might experience a loss, but it will not devastate us because we our bank accounts are filled with God’s love.  If this critical foundation is not laid in childhood we have no concrete stability. We were taken from and not given to or forgotten.   We are forced to build our lives on the shifting sands and the fickleness of the love of others. Many of us didn’t grow up knowing we were unconditionally loved. If you didn’t have this foundation of unconditional love, you are not alone.

image found at www.beliefnet.com/columnists/beyondblue

I have these visions of me as an infant in a bed crying for hours on end without getting a response from my teenage mom.  My parents didn’t get married until I was almost 2 years old. Don’t condemn my parents for my faulty foundation. I don't.  If we judge ourselves or others or live in regret then we are damned to repeat the past because that's where our focus is.  I think we all have our parenting #fails. Believe me I’ve got lots of those stories but I’ll save them for another blog. One story in particular comes to mind:  I remember it very well. My sweet daughter was a newborn.  She had cried for a couple a days straight with her tummy issues and I picked her up and I shook her and yelled “What's wrong with you! Why won’t you stop crying?”  Thankfully, I came to my senses and realized that I was losing it.  I laid her down in her bed to cry while I drowned it out with my own tears in the shower.  As I said, I stay out of condemnation for anyone including myself. 

I didn’t have that foundation of unconditional love in childhood so I looked for that from others and maybe you do too? We aren’t okay alone…  We look to others to approve of us…  to love us unconditionally and be perfect. We try to save others because we want to be saved.  We are motivated by fear of rejection and act cray cray when we get in relationships.  

Others do the exact opposite, they are fearful in relationships and are too afraid to open their hearts to be known and love.  How could we know how to love in a healthy way, if it was not modeled for us?  We have to unlearn bad habits and bad boundaries and trust God’s love to show us the way. 

I had a season of my life where God tore down what I thought was my foundation of love. He came in like a wrecking ball and scrapped my foundation of love.  It’s taken a LONG TIME but now I feel like my foundation is finally being established.  

image from cafesmom.com

During the breaking, several things happened that were all intended ultimately for my good.  

We look at each other's Facebook family pics and everyone IS ALWAYS SMILING!  We don't post pictures of us calling each other names or us sitting in the same car with our arms folded over our chest in anger not speaking for days.  We put our "game" face on for the cameras but every marriage has challenges.  If people could only see behind the scenes of my marriage!  Marriage is just hard sometimes.  In fact, during the breaking, my marriage was in a bad place and I felt lonely a lot.  For the sake of grace, honor, submission and all of those other things wives are taught, I allowed myself to be last in line behind my husband’s job, kids, hunting, meetings, house chores, his dumb phone. oh, sorry, I mean his smart phone ;) (had to bring a little humor in such a heavy subject) basically I was last to anything and everything. If something was going to give, it was always me and he knew it and I knew it.  He didn’t realize that loving me was like loving himself and would do him good.  If I confronted my husband on anything, he would disconnect and not speak to me for weeks.  I was afraid of that disconnect due to my faulty foundation and fear.  The heart to heart disconnect left our marriage vulnerable. I’m a quality time person so I loved spending time with my husband but he had no time and no affection for me.  He didn’t respect me because I gave away all my power and pretended to be a doormat.   

I remember going to the chiropractor.  I crossed my arms over my chest as he wrapped his arms around me and made an adjustment on my back.  It felt like a hug and I started to cry because I couldn’t remember the last time my husband touched me with affection.  When I got in the car, I let my tears loose and admitted to myself and God that something was wrong…very wrong. God showed me as He put the x-rays around my heart on the screen with a grim face. I saw how things were crooked and out of alignment with me being weak. I was so starved for attention and touch at home that I was becoming vulnerable. Was this my husbands fault?  Mine?  Well, the more I’ve worked through this the more I’ve realized that I had been ignoring what was going on in my heart in my marriage.   I was being neglected. My husband had not tended his garden and I had not required him to do the work needed for our marriage to be fruitful.  Only one person was participating in the relationship and that was me. I set it up that way by acting powerless and being a coward at communication as things went south…even though the best thing for HIM was to set some boundaries and lovingly maintain our connection.  We both needed to make some changes. I began communicating courageously with my husband and not ignoring my heart.   

Also during the “wrecking ball" season, God began teaching me through a variety of ways.  I was beginning to recognize that I was usually the giver and thought that I was supposed to “kill my flesh” and “die to myself” so I shouldn’t need anything from others. Sounds good but 1/2 truths are really lies. I began realizing from my time with Him and some great teaching that for a relationship to have intimacy BOTH people need to be powerful and be able to give and receive.  I had set all of my relationships up on a faulty foundation even my relationship with God!  I had only wanted to give to Him and never trusted that I was, in fact, lovable and could receive.  Prior to that I had believed that it was selfish to have needs… I mistakenly thought it wasn’t humble to set a boundary, I should just pray for God to change their heart #morelies but that was my foundation and view of love and it left me powerless.     

I had a friendship that was especially dear to me.  Let’s call this friend Laverne and I’ll pretend to be Shirley:) I have a high value for being genuine…maybe because I was a really good liar pre-Jesus, I have to live in the light now and feel terrible when I don’t.  I appreciate genuine people, truth and honesty.  Laverne lived truth, walked it, and talked it to the extreme.  She wasn’t afraid to express her needs or focus on herself.  This friendship brought me a lot of freedom and empowerment of the authenticity I craved. I truly delighted in her. 

We had been friends for a while and I had already set up some “inequitable” ways of relating that gave the message that I required very little but my heart was changing.  Part of it had been taught to me by her so I am so so grateful for that.  Laverne didn’t throw out the same scriptures and Christian cliches that just felt false.   

Laverne and I had a lot in common, the unwillingness to be fake and put on a mask, we were both wounded by other friendships and had experienced similar problems of neglect in our marriage.    We vowed that we would not make the same mistakes we had in our past friendships because we both professed a deep desire for honesty and truth.   I was ecstatic to have a friend like Laverne who was so direct until I decided to take a chance and be direct and authentic with her.  

The week of my birthday she called me with a gift that God had directed her to give me:  Laverne committed to praying for me every day and sharing what she heard each day.  She said she knew it would be a sacrifice because she was a busy momma. It was like one of those cheesy American Express commercials:  a new pair of shoes for my birthday $100, a Louis Vuitton purse $1000, sweet words from God during my Bday week:  PRICELESS! No amount of money, no gift, no act of service could have touched my heart so deeply than these kisses she had been directed to deliver.  I thanked God for such a friend who would take time out of her busy day to pray and share these priceless daily words from our Father.  I knew very well that I could get my own daily kisses from God but this was new…I was allowing someone else to give to me and being vulnerable in that.  The first morning, I got my “gift” text delivered promptly from her and I savored it like honey from my King.  The next few days were filled with excuses or forgetfulness, random “thinking of you. oh i think i forgot to send you that word but so busy” type texts.  

Laverne is a big time “confronter” when there are issues in relationships.  She confronted me on several things of which I responded with what I hope was love and my reality…  Some things I felt led to adjust by the Holy Spirit after our conversations and sometimes it was more about me listening to her and her being able to express herself.  I tend to shy away from confrontations because I’m always thinking that somehow I could do something different, better…shouldering all of the blame.  I wanted to pull the old WWJD card and go low, be humble, be wantless and needless but more and more I’m realizing that Jesus is a passionate lover, He’s intimate, He’s jealous, we have the ability to love Him, hurt Him, make commitments, break them, and we grow closer to Him and others as we confess our true feelings and how these things affect us.  I’d been taught we were supposed to have abundant grace and it should never run out…which is true but it can also be a set up for being inauthentic and taken advantage of.  If someone loves me then they want to know how their behavior affects me.  If a person is in our inner circle and don’t allow us to be powerful and recognize that each person’s needs in a relationship are equally important then there is a problem. 

The anger exhibited in my house as a child during “confrontations” was explosive so I’ve avoided them until I freaked out and blew up when things went too far.  In my experience, being authentic has led not to intimacy but to a disconnect so I only go there when I’m so tired of the BS that I am ready to disconnect.  That’s not really a healthy way to handle things to have a good relationship and I felt like Laverne was such a good model of being assertive and truthful.  

When I thought about her not following through with her commitment I would think “Oh, it’s no big deal, it doesn’t matter, I don’t care…” but that was a lie and I had started to believe that my needs were important in relationships. I was scared to verbalize that though. In my past, I believed in my heart that my needs really didn’t matter because I didn’t want to make it about me or be selfish.  Laverne was extraordinarily good at verbalizing the things that bothered her. After time with God, I decided that I would take a risk to see where our relationship really stood.  She was in my inner circle and how she responded to me expressing how when she didn’t keep her commitment it had made me sad. I felt like someone who had been given a present to find that the box was empty.  I wanted to make sure she knew that she didn’t owe me anything but in a friendship we need to know what’s important to each other.  I thought of all the good things that could come of it for her as well as me…Maybe this was a blind spot for her?  It might help her to grow. Maybe she didn’t know how important it was to me?  So, I took a chance. I would love to say that we worked through it all and honored each other but that didn’t happen.

It started off okay. Laverne was horrified and couldn’t believe she forgot but her response seemed to be more about the fact that she couldn’t believe she wasn’t perfect…then texted me after she’d had time to think about it.  She came to some conclusions about how to move forward:  

1. She should not have made that commitment (she didn’t really hear from God)

2.   She was taking God’s place and trying to save me

WHAT THE HECK?  No, I thought, bottom line:  you didn’t do what you said you would and that affected me but that was not her conclusion.  I was able to look at the relationship without fearing the loss of love.  I finally concluded that based on her 2 reasons/response, moving forward would mean that she would not keep her commitments to me and probably wouldn’t make them in the future

I would like to have received a “Thank you for telling me, Jennifer. I’m sorry.  I did not keep my commitment but it was not out of a lack of love. Knowing that’s important to you, I will keep that in mind in the future.”  It got turned around and she was the victim which simply didn’t work for me anymore.  Mayhem came in with pride, blame, deflection, icing out behaviors ensued with some below the belt punches.  We had to do it her way and that no longer worked for me either.  We both needed to be heard and considered. It hurt like hell but I was no longer believing that my friendship was worth nothing.  It is a valuable commodity and precious.  If someone doesn’t treat it as such then that friendship doesn’t belong in the house of my heart.  Of course, being bitter would only hurt us.  Chasing and trying to change a person is fruitless. We can love and forgive but not pull close in vulnerability.

I felt the chaos in my heart as our relationship disintegrated but I worked through it by being honest and gentle with myself, forgiving and loving myself and her through it.  MY PEACE is not subject to the whims of others or ruled by my need for their love and acceptance.  God totally helped me through it and I didn’t try to force things.  I cried about the end of this friendship and I laid my head upon His chest and felt such peace.

Psalm 131:2 Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child who no longer cries for its mother's milk. Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me.”

What I learned:

I was potty-trained in relationships during this season.  I was learning to self soothe.  Self soothing is a mommy term in case you didn't know.  It’s a dance that the mommy and baby play as the baby starts to become more independent. Too little cuddling leaves the baby anxious and fearful.   Self soothing happens after a baby has a secure foundation that their needs will be met. God had been holding me close as I worked through my marriage stuff and in exerting my independence in relationships. The baby slowly learns to quiet itself rather than crying out constantly for others to pacify their anxiety.  Having the security that their needs will be met, allows them to be still and rest in safety.  The baby matures and goes from  breast feeding, to holding their own bottle, from someone spoon feeding them to holding their own spoon and on and on where they don’t need someone else to coddle them. We learn through that process to have the ability to ask and meet our own needs from within and communicate them instead of having a meltdown.  It would be pretty silly to be breast feeding your baby at five years old :) but that’s what we act like if we don’t have the safety of the foundation of unconditional love.  When we don’t know how to self soothe, cannot quiet our soul without comfort from outside us. When our soul is noisy and fussy we can't rest.  We sometimes want, especially as women, for someone to come make us okay, to agree with us, and to soothe us when really that comes from the confidence of knowing we are unconditionally loved by our Creator. 

Sure, this friendship added some poop to my potty training but it wasn’t attached to my soft babies butt long enough to became a diaper rash. I didn’t go out and jump into a new and improved diaper of a friendship nor did I hide the dirty diaper and stuff the pain inside myself. I realized I didn’t need diapers anymore in my relationships.  Diapers are for babies and good for a season but they also irritate if we sit in our mess for too long. Our ability to pull back into our heart with God and manage our emotions is key. Once our soul is quiet, we can have a conversation with our heart.  We can then speak out of love and not self protection, anger, unforgiveness. My butt was ready for some breathable big girl panties and diaper rashes of the heart were in my past as I learned to communicate courageously.    

It was easy at that point to recognize the dead bodies in Laverne’s past from this very type of behavior.  She wanted to powerfully confront everyone else's behavior but was not able to be confronted without becoming the victim.  I was also able to look at Shirley (me-I have a trail of dead bodies behind me as well;) you can ask my ex-husbands ;)  Pretending to be wantless and needless, false humility, only wanting to give and being too prideful to receive.  Being a chicken sh@# in communication.   I set up a dynamic in relationships where the other person carried all the power and I was powerless.   I was able to assess this relationship without condemnation for Laverne or myself-just what was okay in my life and not okay. There were some behaviors that weren’t serving me well mainly because I was so afraid of rejection and they were like a dirty diaper I had been wearing for years.  

I now look at relationships like investments that need to be adjusted like a portfolio.  My financial advisor is Jesus.  He gives me insider trading tips ;) Relationships are a mutual investment.  I no longer give people a place in my heart that they have not invested in nor do I over invest without being directed by God.  I am kind, assertive, funny, passionate, creative and genuine.  Anyone who does not appreciate that is welcome to not be in my life. 

I’m still maturing in my love for both myself and others but Mayhem did not win. His Perfect Love casts out the Mayhem of the heart.  We will have trials and tribulations in relationships as we learn to love others and ourselves but unconditional love is a sturdy foundation.  Mayhem came in and he huffed and he puffed but He could not blow the house of my heart down…maybe drop a tree limb on the roof ;) but my foundation was unshaken.

If you struggle with fear in relationships, will you pray this prayer with me?

God, let your perfect love cast out ALL fear in my heart.  Show me through action how loved and precious I am to you in Jesus name. Amen! So be it! 

image found at: www.picshunger.com

The Wings that Survived 9/11, Flight Attendants Remembered

Picture taken by: Dallas Morning News, G.J. McCarthy/Staff Photographer

I will be attending an American Airlines 9/11 Remembrance Ceremony tomorrow morning.  This ceremony will be held to honor and pay our respects to crew members and others whose lives were either taken by the terrorists or laid down in the act of saving others on that fateful day 13 years ago.   The toll of that day was heavy for American Airlines.  American lost their metal and money but most importantly they lost 17 men and women working on the crews that day along with all the passengers on those two aircraft:

AA Flight 11 carried 2 flight deck crew and 9 flight attendants.  It was crashed by evil men into the World Trade Center

AA Flight 77 was sent like a missile into the Pentagon and held 2 pilots and 4 flight attendants along with a retired American Airlines Captain as a passenger. 

On the eve of the infamous day in history now known simply as 9/11 I've been doing some thinking.   All Americans will forever remember what they were doing and where they were on that day~September 11, 2001.  I read an article (link below) about some perfectly preserved flight attendant wings that somehow made it through crashing into the Pentagon.  The wings seemed to be indestructible surviving through the full tank of jet fuel’s fire and the buildings and rubbish that collapsed on them.  They were found in near perfect condition and finally returned to the C.R.Smith Museum at our training facility where I got to see them on display.

Seriously, those wings of a flight attendant mean something so special to me…For one thing they are DAMN HARD to get but most importantly they are worn by all of the Warriors of the Sky.  The heart of a flight attendant is BRAVE, RESPONSIBLE and COMPASSIONATE. We have wings on our heart too…to love and serve you and protect you.  Our ultimate goal is to keep each and every one of our passengers safe even if we suffer in the process.  The Captain and First Officer are allowed to come and go on the plane (unless we are in the air;) but not one flight attendant is allowed to leave the plane if there is even a single solitary passenger  onboard.  Taking care of the plane is the pilots responsibility but taking care of you is ours. We are frequently the first ones on the plane and the last ones off.  Those "miracle" wings remind me that the flight attendants on American Airliness Flight 11 and Flight 77 were faithful until the end to their duties. You can hear the composure and nerves of steel in Flight Attendant Betty Ong’s last phone call giving critical information during the final 8 minutes of Flight 11. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-Tr0u35Tek)

When I see the wings today, I think about those that lost their lives in the attack of 9/11 and how against all odds those wings made it through the fire as a tribute to all of the flight attendant's who wore them and lost their life that day.I didn't become a flight attendant to get the wings but they have become a symbol of something great to me.   In fact, being a flight attendant  was not even on my radar two years ago and I never had aspirations to fly the sometimes unfriendly skies.  No, I liked being in the business world.  If I had my choice, when thinking about going back into the work force, I would return to the banking industry, sit behind my desk, do sales calls, crunch numbers and be kind to my customers.  I was good at it, I had experience and it came naturally to me… but God… had other ideas. 

I flew on American Airlines on my first leg of a trip in May 2013 to Europe.  The flight attendants on American were…how do i say this nicely…efficient but extremely fussy that day…  I didn’t get one smile but mainly scowls. I remember thinking on my American flight, “I think I could be a positive influence on the atmosphere of a plane.”  If you have Jesus, you are an atmosphere CHANGER.  My job at AA was so clearly a divine thing that became more evident as I followed His direction.  He opened every door and I walked through it with only a tiny bit of heel dragging.  

When God tries to tell me something, it’s like a record stuck on repeat.  Ipod’s don’t get stuck so, dear God, most of you probably don’t even know what I’m talking about.  dating myself here.. but anyway the thought of being a flight attendant wouldn't go away.  When I returned from my trip to Europe, I checked online to find out that American Airlines hadn’t done any real hiring for flight attendants since 9/11/2001-THIRTEEN YEARS but they had ended their hiring freeze and were taking applications.  I stood up from my computer and said out loud, “God, do you really want me to do this?” I made myself a drink (non-alcoholic for your judgers ;) I then looked at the glass in my hand and noticed for the first time the  engraving on the glass.  Prior to that these were just our "Sucky Cowboy's never win" Super Bowl glasses but now they  were speaking to me.  

“Sh!#! You do.”  I then started looking online and reasoning with God.  Why American Airlines?  Being a flight attendant does NOT pay well when you first start out.  Sure there are some kick butt benefits like flying all over the world for minimal cost and great insurance but you don’t get paid for the 8-1/2 week training, you work about 120 hours and you only get paid for 80 hrs of flight time, FA's are required to pay for your own itchy polyester-wool blend "attractive" uniform WHICH IS EXPENSIVE, FA's can expect to work most weekends and every holiday for the first 5 years, etc.  I bargained with God about working for Southwest...  They pay more and they seem happy when I’ve flown on them.  Is this a “me getting a job” thing cuz I was good at banking, God? He kept reasserting that the ONLY option was American Airlines.  He was doing something there.  He wanted me there specifically.  Only 1-2% of the 110,000 applications were hired and I “happened” to be one of them.  I was not willing to move but one of my interviewees said I could commute.  I mean step after step, hurdle after hurdle, I took them and the doors flew open.  Not to say it was an easy process.  It stretched me beyond belief during the training and I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to quit.  My classmates and I bonded during the bootcamp type training.  It felt like we had been through a war together but I finally graduated along with the rest of my beloved classmates from AA Class 14-13 on May 29, 2014.  That day, I walked the stage and got my very own shiny new wings while my family watched on.

I learned very quickly that flight attendants are ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!  I’m in awe of my sisters and brothers when we fly.   The camaraderie, the team work, the lack of whining and the confidence they carry all with a get ‘er done attitude.  We work WITH each other like a family to serve our passengers with a few  pats on the back (see the sweet picture a little guy colored for our crew). Mr. Clean's got nothing on a fastidious flight attendant when it comes to clean up work. Jesus was willing to wash other’s feet but I’ve seen flight attendants clean up oozing boils that burst because of the pressurization of the plane (Polly far left in pic below actually did all the "boil" dirty work).  I think Jesus might have said, “Sorry guys, I’m out on this one.” :)  JK  

I believe September 11th is a major reason God sent me to American Airlines.  I realized it one day during the process of training.  Our awesome instructors led us to a tiny little garden nestled right in the middle of our training building.  Within American Airlines Flight Academy sits a peaceful spot known as the Memorial Gardens.  In the gardens stand twenty three trees.  Each tree is dedicated in honor to a specific crew member who lost their life on 9/11. The sacred reverence was evident as our class toured the gardens, we whispered, touched the plaques delicately, and some cried at the memory of the loss of life from AA Flight 11 and Flight 77. 

There were so many "AHA" moments during training.  We were all asked on the first day of training for Class 14-13 why we wanted to be flight attendants.  Most mentioned their love of travel.  You could have heard a pin trop as my fellow classmate, Elizabeth Flagg,  answered this "ice breaker" question with something so deep and touching.  Her grandfather and grandmother were on  AA Flight 77 on September 11, 2001.  The same flight where the wings were found in the rubble. Her grandpa was a retired American Airlines Captain and her father was a pilot as well.  Flying was definitely in her blood but she had to conquer her fear of flying after the attack of 9/11 that took her grandparents.  She was still a little girl and panicked as her family flew the first time after her grandparent’s death.  The kindness shown by a flight attendant gave her great peace and comfort as he reassured her on that flight. She did not shrink back because of her fear.  She overcame it with the help of a friendly flight attendant who cared.  Elizabeth cried too as she saw that the garden had a plaque dedicated to her grandfather.  She had never visited there before that day and it was a sweet moment to witness.

There is no way to make sense of the pain and trauma of that day.  I'm focusing on American Airlines Flight Attendant's but so many were lost that day and I grieve and pray for the families who only have memories to hold of their loved ones.  God says His beauty comes from ashes and that's exactly where those Flight Attendant's wings were found. He shows and shines His glory in dark places and 9/11 was a very dark day.  That day continues to have it’s shadowy effects year after year as we grieve what was lost.  The enemy took out some Warriors of the Sky that day but I believe they live on like those trees planted for them in the memorial garden...Their lives were like seeds planted in the ground that grew into a strong tree that will bear much fruit.  The loss for all of us was too great but the future is bright and fruitful thanks to those that have gone before us.  The fruit is found in the flight attendants that commit to serving you through thick and thin, death and life.  Say a prayer for the crews who gave their life and their families and for American Airlines as well.  Terror seems to lurk everywhere these days.  We are flying on a wing and your prayers.  

John 12:24 Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

The information below was found at the links listed:  

http://www.911familiesforamerica.org/911-flight-crew-memorial/flight-crew-american-airlines-flight-11/

Written to honor American Airlines Flight Attendants of 9/11 and to let you know your wings live on!

http://www.911familiesforamerica.org/911-flight-crew-memorial/flight-crew-american-airlines-flight-77/

American Airlines Flight 77

Story on Wings:  http://aviationblog.dallasnews.com/2014/01/american-airlines-museum-to-display-flight-attendant-wings-apfa-pin-from-flight-77.html/

Protecting the Family Jewels

I was working as a flight attendant in First Class and I wasn’t feeling too hot.  It was my girl time of the month (i know TMI right off the bat) and I had a terrible headache.  Every illness seems to be exaggerated and compounded up in the air.  With shaky hands i sloshed a few drops of red wine on a “gentleman’s” tray table.  I apologized profusely and cleaned it up with my napkins.  He had dark jeans and a dark shirt so I might have missed cleaning up some of the wine.  He huffed and puffed and said “I need a wet towel” As I was going to get it for him, he dramatically threw the bathroom door open and left it open so I could see him getting his own paper towels to clean up my mess.  I felt bad.   

It’s so hurtful when you are being a servant to someone and they aren’t kind or gracious about it. He seemed to have the attitude of a grumpy old man and I know his limited patience had little to do with me. Still, it hurt because he didn’t recognize my own kindness that went into serving him even when I did not feel well.  I think a lot of mom’s could relate to that ;)  

After Sir Grumps A Lot :) left said bathroom, I went in and cried really hard.  I told God all about it as I sat on the tiny toilet. I prayed first for my heart (can’t love your neighbor if you don’t first love yourself) and then for mr. grumpy pants ;) I have no doubt that my prayers impacted and convicted the guy somehow working a way for God to speak to him.  I can honestly say I have no animosity towards him because God healed my heart right there. #notbitter #grumpycanbetransformed 

I had a lot of sympathy and felt God's love and comfort from my fellow flight attendants on the plane that day.  They first wanted to do a beat down on the guy and then they loved on me and told me, “It’s sad but you just wait a year and you will be so hardened that you won’t care…that’s how you have to be in this job.”   I want my heart to be soft as I serve others but I understood their point.  We can’t be dependent upon others approval for our happiness or sense of peace.  There are times to stand up to rude and abusive type behavior.  It’s unfortunate but the world rarely values, respects or honors servants.  Not everyone will like me or appreciate what I do for them or the fact that what I do is done in love.  

A gentle spirit rarely prevails in this world but I don’t ever want to lose it. However, don’t think I’m some sweet little angel singing sunshine and roses all day cuz I can be seriously feisty…like on the soccer field when someone tries to push me around.  Uh, no, I don’t think so.  If someone messes with my kids or any child for that matter, I will go momma bear. I’m not a push over or a victim.  My heart was hard before God touched it ten years ago and I will never go back to operating out of a hard heart.  God didn’t make us with a hard outer shell like an alligator or a leathery skin like a snake. He made us with soft skin and the ability to reach out to Him for protection and He gave us tools. If we are cut, we will bleed. I trust God to be with me always, to lead me where I need to go, to empower me with the tools I need and that He will fight my cause and He is ultimately my protector. Tools aren't for everyone...maybe you have more faith than me and don't need them, but I like my cute pink and powerful 38 Special. The tools He gives me may be as hard as nails but my heart is still as soft as a baby's butt ;)  I have the capacity to have a soft heart but He’s given me a shield to protect it and He will defend it when needed…He’s a lion like that…very protective of my heart since I’ve made the decision to soften it.  

I’ve met a lot of Christian Stepford wives and been witness to the bad fruit being out of balance causes. We continually open our hearts and give others access to our innermost selves and others use and abuse it because we've been taught to by the church.  The song by Stevie Nicks comes to mind: "Stop dragging my heart around."  God isn't setting us up to be a victim. We all need the wisdom to know what God is saying and doing…when to be soft and flow out and when to engage our impenetrable God shield to protect our soft parts.  He’s our wonder bra full of water to cushion our softies.  He’s like a guys jock strap/cup to protect the family jewels.  He’s a covering and protection for all as we let Him in. 

A lot of Christians like robots quote the verse about turning the other cheek, etc and apply it to every situation.  God has shown me that using that scripture without hearing it from Him for the specific situation promotes abuse of children and women…the weakest in society. Um, that is not God’s heart towards the weak.  In fact He said, “Hard trials and temptations are bound to come, but too bad for whoever brings them on! Better to wear a millstone necklace and take a swim in the deep blue sea than give even one of these dear little ones a hard time!” (found in Luke 11:1-2)   I turned the other cheek in this instance with the older "gentleman" so the scripture applied in that situation. I may endure suffering and slights with patience at God’s direction but I feel kind of bad for the guy after reading above scripture. #helltopaywhenyoumesswithGodskids #Godsgotmyback  

If I do "suffer" an injustice without response, it's because I CHOOSE TO and it is never in vain.  None of our suffering ever is!    This guy bruised my heart because I allowed it to be vulnerable in serving him.  There are times when I do stand up for myself and God leads me to do it and backs me up but this was not one of them.  People can spit in our face.  As we seek only to do them good, they intend to harm us but if we harden our hearts so we won’t be hurt anymore  then can love still flow out? 

Like Kenny Rogers says, “you’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away and know when to run.” ;) People who don’t treat my heart with tenderness don’t have access to it anymore until they show that they are trustworthy again.  Forgive YES Love YES but throwing my PEARLS to swine? HECK NO.  

Jesus is really good at handling grumpy old men  and protecting the family jewels;) because He only said what the Father said and He only did what He saw the Father doing.  Jesus could be both kind and gentle but but He knew when to open a can of woop a$$ ;)  He endured a lot of unjust treatment while he walked this earth. Jesus could be a real smart mouth when He confronted the religious people.  He also got so ticked off that He took the time to KNIT TOGETHER a rope/BELT and went after the guys in the temple turning their tables over.  Yet, He let the same people lead Him up a hill with a cross on his back and he didn’t say a word to them while they drove nails in his hands and feet because He knew a greater good was coming.  

Protecting the family jewels found inside our heart requires great wisdom!  When to pull back, when to move forward, when to guard our heart and when to show and share it can only be led by the One who created it. Praying that we can both reflect our Father in Heaven who is THE LION and our Savior who came to Earth as the Lamb and that we don’t harden our hearts to Him. He helps us on the journey by giving us access to His wisdom in this area.  The world will be a more beautiful place if we are able to open our hearts like a rare and fragrant flower to be seen on display when He brings His sun and water but have the wisdom to ask for Him to hide us in His strong tower when it’s unsafe.     #heartwisdom #love #protection