Deeper Still

Does anyone else get to a place in life where they think, “I’m good. I’ve forgiven everyone. I have a lot of peace in my life, a lot of joy?” The I’ve-learned-to-be-content-in-any-situation kind of feeling? Thoughts like, “I really have surrendered all of me,” go through your head.

Then you wake up … “Deeper still; Further in,” He says. This message came to me from Him on a one night mini-retreat. I knew three out of the eight ladies attending. As I prepared for the retreat, I kept hearing about forgiveness. I checked my own forgiveness meter and thought, “Nope, I’m good.” I thought, “Some of these poor ladies must need to forgive! Well, there is that thing with my family, but I am using healthy boundaries by keeping a distance.”

The week prior to my retreat, we were going on vacation, and we had invited some of the family. One of my loved one’s had, through his anger, caused a lot of fear to enter my life in childhood, and I wondered if I should invite him. I wanted to honor him and show him love. “Not a good idea, this time,” I thought. The last time I saw him, it didn’t go so well, and as a result, I had to set some boundaries for my family and myself. I invited him to lunch a few times, but he cancelled at the last minute. My heart was growing hard towards him without me even realizing it.

My childhood included a lot of difficult and fearful situations both physically and mentally. My girlfriend, Jill, had given me a prophetic word that included part of the 23rd Psalm, “You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies.” She believed it meant that in heaven all of this would not matter. I would have peace with this family member. I had forgiven him, but the continuing pain was building a wall in my heart. Little things would happen that would cause me to put another brick in the wall of my heart. His phone calls would usually revolve around his needs, “Will you pray for me to find a job?” and, “Let me tell you about my day.” I really wanted a relationship that would be mutually giving and receiving. However, our conversations seemed only one-sided. I had forgiven him many times, but lately I allowed myself to be offended by him. Did Jesus really mean seventy times seven? YEP, He sure did!

Starting the retreat off with worship, I had a vision of an old key being handed to me, and I was standing in front of a door. I inserted the key and opened the door. I heard Jesus say, “This room must be cleaned.” He then blew His breath into me. I love that about Jesus! He asks us to do something, not in our own strength, then empowers us to do His will by breathing the life into our spirit needed to complete the action. I thought, “Whatever does he mean? Oh, He must mean the other ladies here. I’m supposed to help them clean out a room in their heart that has some cobwebs! Yes, that must be it.” YEAH RIGHT!

Then I had a vision of two Roman guards bringing a man who was bloodied and bruised. They held him on either side and his face hung low, so I couldn’t see it clearly. Jesus was standing beside me. It was as if I knew that I was Pontius Pilate sitting on the human judgment seat against this family member. Jesus said, “It is your choice. What will we do with this man?” I knew that it was my choice, and I knew what my spirit wanted to say. I heard myself saying to the guards in my vision, “Set him free, wash him and put the finest robe on him then seat him at mmmmmmy taaaable,” I stuttered through the last two words. I had no problem releasing him or getting him cleaned up, but to sit with him and be afraid of what MIGHT happen? That was out of my comfort zone. Even scarier, this was out of my control??? This was going to be tough!

After worship, I looked at my journal, and there was a verse printed on the bottom of the page. Guess what it said, “You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil. My cup runs over.” Okay, God, I have heard that before. There is something about being a sacrifice, an innocent lamb. Forgiving the “unforgivable” seems to bring you so close to God that He anoints you with His presence. He fills your cup as you give freely to others as we have freely received. Love is unconditional, so it can be messy. I’m not responsible for other’s actions. However, I am called to love in all circumstances and that, my friend, I was not doing.

I realized I had done this “distancing” thing quite a bit in my life. You hurt me, and I’m not your friend. I see sin in you that I can’t control and I can’t be around you. It makes me uncomfortable to see through your dirt to the gold. I was not seeing through the lenses of love. The only problem with this attitude is that it isn’t honoring to Jesus. How can I be in unity with Jesus and my heavenly Father if I’m not doing what they are doing and saying what they are saying? Jesus made a habit of hanging out with the sick ones, the broken ones, the ones no one wanted to hang out with or call friends. In fact, that had been ME — very broken until His love covered me. I had a heart problem, and apparently the great heart surgeon had scheduled me for open heart surgery this weekend. Deeper still, further in He went.

When I shared this with the group, I was met with love and a whole lot of truth. I didn’t really want to hear it. One of my besties, Lisa, recommended I listen to a CD we had just purchased, and she also said, “This reminds me of the story of the servant who owed God millions and wanted a small debt to be paid to him. I think God called the guy wicked.” Well, frankly, that story ticks me off! Only she could say that to me without me going unhinged in this situation. Unless someone has walked through what you have, then it is difficult to hear that you are wicked when you have been abused, but there it is in the Book that I believe is absolute and true … in black and white. Not only is it in the Word, but I felt it in my spirit! Yes, I was wounded as a child. It was painful. I struggled with repentance on this issue because I was the child. I was an innocent victim, but sin is sin. I had a soul wound that was created by sin. Out of that wound, I was sinning. I have wounded others and broken most of the commandments. I was a professional sinner working for the other team, if you know what I’m saying. I have two children in heaven waiting on me because I made the choice to serve me. So how could I expect this debt to be paid to me? Okay, so this had to go, and I had to repent. My repentance was not a co-dependent, I’m a doormat, I need to “give up” to make others happy kind of repentance. This was God, the Magnificent, asking me to do something that would give me and my family the V for victory. Through forgiveness, I was taking my sword and chopping the head of the enemy off. Love that! Shining His bright light into a dark corner of my heart and to walk without carrying offenses. Sin has no hold on me! How could I say no? I would put my nets out once again on His word even though I was tired (Luke 5:1-7). I would believe that I was going to the other side no matter what the storm looks like (Mark 4:35-41). I would do it His way, the only way that leads to peace. Trust. He really does know best. God, I surrender all …again.

Our retreat leader said that God was breaking up the fallow ground of my heart, so I could be closer to Him. It’s always about my relationship with Him. It’s my whole heart that He’s after. He is jealous for our hearts!!! God was so gentle. “If I don’t wash you, you won’t belong to me,” He said (1 Peter 5:8). I thought I was already done with this, God! “Deeper still; Further in,” He said. I cried, prayed and, remarkably, I was so full of joy. I asked God to give me the mercy to open my heart again. I made the choice, and it was a choice, to say, “Jesus, set this man free and wash him, put the finest robe on him, and sit him right next to me at my table.” I felt so freeeeee and full of joy! I’m learning this truth: if our relationships aren’t right with others, then it’s because it’s not right with Him. Our relationship with Him manifests in all our relationships.

On the way home from the retreat, the CD cued right up to the story Lisa had mentioned about forgiveness. On my to church the next day, I kept singing the song, “Oh How He Loves Us,” written by John Mark McMillan. I told my husband that I would love it if they would start playing that at church. They played that very song that morning at church! The message at church that morning was about God’s kindness and breaking up the fallow ground of our hearts. The following weekend, one of our pastors spoke about David calling Mephibosheth, his enemy’s (Saul) grandson, to have his inheritance restored and to be invited to dine regularly at the King David’s table (2 Samuel 9). Again, this all sounded very familiar. God’s confirmations let me know I was on the right track. (God you are so gentle and kind but also jealous for our heart … the whole heart and nothing less so I needed your truth and you were faithful not to leave me where I was. Thank you, Jesus!)

God looks on the heart so He sees the things we don’t. We push the unpleasant things we don’t or aren’t able to deal with in a room of our heart with a big sign on the door that threatens “Enter at your own risk. Explosives will detonate. Rabid dogs live here, etc.” God pushes right on through all our defenses at the right time and very sweetly and gently says “I love you too much to leave you here. I want all of you to be mine.” Well, God, here it is. You can have all of me once again. Deeper still; Further in to my heart He goes and I find more freedom. OH, HOW HE LOVES US!