Woke up sweating on my comfy Sleep Number mattress for the fourth night in a row. Another bad pizza dream...a nightmare really...except I didn't eat pizza. Phhtt. Frankly, I was pissed at the enemy of my soul and disappointed in God.
(totino's-I randomly found this perfect pizza pic for the blog;)
I was completely vulnerable in my sleep. I had used all of the tools in my bag of tricks. I prayed. I prayed some more. I thought about asking for prayer but this felt like an inside job. I put on worship music in my quiet time. I bound (or is it “binded”? ;) I loosed. I wrote scriptures out on cards and read them before I went to sleep. I prayed more. I told the devil to get out of my head in Jesus name but each night the bad dreams settled over me like a dark cloud. Each morning, I woke up feeling yucky, disappointed and tired because I got my butt kicked while I was supposed to have sweet rest. God are you protecting me? I believe that you do. I know you love me but… what’s up? Tell me. Show me. Help me. Fight for me because I feel alone in this but I know you’re here. That how God and I talk. I question but I always remind myself of the truth. Maybe when I’m mature I won’t question but when my reality isn’t showing me I’ve loved, I ask God why.
So the dreams were different but all were negative. My daughter being mean to me. (This is totally not who she is. She honors me every day and brings only joy to my life.) Husband deciding he liked someone better. (Not true, he’s still sleeping in the bed beside me) Friends being snippy and ignoring me. There were others. First I blew them off as "pizza dreams." I would wake up shaking my head and have to talk myself out of punching my husband in the face or at least pinching him like I do when he’s snoring. I remembered I had dreams like this in the past and would put some distance in my relationships just in case they were a warning of some kind (I know…a teensy bit crazy but that’s what happens when we believe lies). I’m happy to say, I didn’t this time. I asked God and kept asking.
The faces changed in my dreams but I noticed there was a single thread and a pattern that stood out and flowed through each of my dreams. Instead of commanding them to go away, I came to realize My spirit was trying to show me something. I was completely unaware of this area because it was “my normal.”
I asked God to show me what was up and then I heard a podcast about trust. If we are unable to trust in relationships, we might even choose people untrustworthy but trust is always an inside job. If we didn’t feel safe growing up then we will have trouble with intimacy no matter how much we claim and point the finger at the other person in the relationship. WOWSA! No more, “It’s your fault. You’re the weirdo!” I seemed to choose people who were pretty self centered to be in relationship with. Maybe they are but it’s my choice to be in relationship with them. I felt like the dreams were total fabrications but the little girl in my heart was afraid to trust that I was loved by any and all of them and most of all to be able to rest and trust in the love of God.
I had battled fear and faced it in a lot of areas but I was still dining on it daily, albeit unknowingly. The dreams bubbled up like an upset tummy that had feasted on something unhealthy. It’s like a tad bit of arsenic that won’t kill you in a day but would make you feel constantly unwell. Eventually, it would make me miserable destroying everything good. The dreams, although unpleasant, were helpful for me to make a decision not to partner with fear in my relationships anymore. A symptom making me aware that my relationships were being poisoned by fear. I always think the enemy shows himself strongly only when he’s found out. The gloves come off. The dreams were a manifestation. I could have thought the dreams were a warning sent by God like before and been fearful in my relationships. The enemy didn’t want to leave but I wasn’t unaware anymore. I finally read the nutrition info on the unhealthy fear in my relationships like in my old fav coffee: Tall “nonfat” caramel macchiato. I stopped drinking the bazillion fat grams and calories included in that delicious drink. I lost about 5 pounds the first week. I have chosen a different fav drink now that isn’t like eating a stick of butter and a box of Peeps at the same time ;) Coffee isn’t bad just like relationships aren’t bad but I’ve got to make choices on what I want in them.
Why would God send a bad dream?
Well, He didn’t. One time my dog ate chocolate which is poison for doggies. I had to give him something to make him throw up. I had to get this out. It was so bad for me but chocolate actually tastes quite good and that’s what this fear thing was. If my dog could talk, he would probably be like, "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME???" That chocolate tasted fine. It felt good to expect that the people around me would probably reject me at some point because then it wouldn’t hurt when they did.
Why weren’t my tools working?
I had been speaking truth to my mountain in faith and telling my dreams to MOVE OUT…but this wasn’t a mountain outside of me. This was in my heart and it was poisoning good things…good relationships…stealing my peace of mind. FIRST I had to acknowledge it. Then, I had to choose to GET RID OF IT then let God love me and heal my heart from my hurts. I remember I was praying one time and saw a picture of Jesus on the cross. I was thanking Him for saving us all and He looked at me and said, “If I had to do it just for you, I would do it to have your heart.” It was like He took the deadly poison out of my heart. He drank it like the bitter cup of sour wine on the cross for me.
Maybe you aren’t struggling with bad dreams but we all encounter some disappointment. Oh well, maybe not you. Maybe your perfected already? But if you are questioning where your breakthrough is… Why all the scriptures, the prayers haven’t been answered? I received the devotional today written by a dear friend. It helped the ship of my heart know it was on the right course, strong and steady, even in the storms, pressing on following His chartered course for me. He didn't deliver me from my bad dreams but I got rid of some cargo that was weighing me down. As Minda says when our expectations aren’t fulfilled maybe “A greater plan is at stake.”
“During Easter I was read through the Gospels and their account of the crucifixion. Matthew, Mark, and Luke each recorded this from chief priests & teachers of the law: "He can save others but he can't save himself." (Mark 15:31) The went on to say (paraphrase) "if you're really God- you could come down from the cross." I wonder how often my prayers come across in the same tone. "You say you're God- but you're not fulfilling MY expectations. Prove yourself! Answer my prayer!" He didn't come off the cross (like he could have) because He knew a greater plan was a stake. If our prayers aren't being answered or not the way we'd like- rest knowing that he COULD answer. And He CAN save. But a greater plan is at stake.”~Minda Corso
