WTH God?

I knew something was wrong when I wasn’t hungry.   I usually plan my day around my meals.  

My tummy grows warm and excited, my eyes as big as saucers when I see good grub. 

After Tanner's soccer finale, we headed out to dinner.  On the menu, one of my favs,  a Hawaiian Sunrise Pizza (fine print&side note:  this pizza sounds gross but it is exotically delicious.  It has pineapples, canadian bacon, CRANBERRIES and cashews.  I told you I love food.)  Instead of thinking about the food down the road, I wanted to cry.

Instead of salivating I said, “Meh. I don’t know if I’m hungry.”  I can always eat and I didn’t want to.  I realized when my tummy revolted that I had a “beef” with God. I had prayed for a filet mignon in my son’s life that day and, instead, I got a single bitter pill to swallow and I wanted to spit it out like poison.   

Warning.  Read only if you can stay away from being a judgey butt head.  Someone will read this story and think “What-the-frick-ever. This blog is about soccer? You freaked out about a silly game??  NBD. get over it…I got big problems" and that’s a valid point.  There are terrible things going on...friends with cancer, people dying, divorces happening left and right, people getting laid off, about to lose their house, major financial crisis, etc.  Yeah, so soccer may seem inconsequential but we all have our things that seem small but are in actuality very pivotal in life.  In our faith.  In our relationship with God.  If it’s a problem for you, it’s a problem for God.

So the game.  I must have known there was something significant about this game because I asked two friends to pray for Tanner's game earlier that day and I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. Throughout the game, I would catch myself unconsciously whispering prayers for the team...for Tanner.  I thought my nerves were a little weird.  It’s soccer not Tanner’s salvation for crying out loud.  

Well, Tanner played well.  The clock buzzed and the game was tied 1-1.

Soccer 101 or maybe 201 cuz I didn't know it for a while:  When a soccer tournament ends in a tie, one player from each team shoots the soccer ball from close range at the goal.  For the kicker, the odds are in your favor.  Maybe 1 out of 5-ish are kept out of the goal even by great goalkeepers.  

Background:  Last year, Tanner was in this exact situation.  He took his kick…and the keeper stopped it.  Later that night, he didn’t want to talk about his disappointment or embarrassment but simply said “I’m never doing that again”… so here we were a year later. 

So 1-1.  The kickers lined up.  Five players and then it advanced to sudden death.   Then, I saw Tanner trot out to the line to take a kick.  I thought AHA this is why I’ve been praying all day. It’s Tanner’s turn for redemption!  It’s his David and Goliath moment.  The fear of failure will come crashing down with a single stone or err soccer ball.  Tanner’s coach didn’t force him.  Tanner decided to take a chance.  To believe in himself again.  woo hoo! Go, Tan man!

So Tanner lined the ball up as the fans cheered him on. (I was freaking out so I was in a rare state of silence) I watched in slow motion as Tanner’s perfectly placed beautiful ball headed straight for the upper part of the net.  But the goalie guessed right this time.  He kept and brought that ball that was supposed to be in the net down in his arms.  Game over. Loss. It knocked the wind out of my guts when I saw my son walk off that field looking teary with his head hung low and the other team cheering wildly at his failure and their victory.  

I was shocked....WTH God?

So I sat there staring at the Hawaiian pizza (I did end up eating by the way.  It helped a little.  I don't do well without food.  that's why my husband keeps snacks in the car;)  I cried in secret on the way home and I cried the next day. 

David said in the psalms, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.”  This place of denied fulfillment is the place where lies are birthed.  I believed a lie when I cried out to God at thirteen to change my home life...to help me... and things got worse.  I walked away thinking, “God, you are real but you don’t care about me.  You help others but you don’t help me.”  I could feel Tanner’s heart, “I will never ever ever ever try that again.”

I’ve mishandled these situations in the past.  Mishandled my hunger for His voice and told it to shut up.  to swallow my pain.  Telling myself-You shouldn’t feel this way.  This time I didn’t.  I would  allow God to answer my cries.  Maybe it was because it involved bone of my bone.  My child.  It’s hard to be happy when your child is going through something. If it were me, fine …but when my child hurts, I hurt and apparently my stomach does too.I think God feels that way too and He will speak if we talk to Him.

There’s a song that says, “No, my heart will not let go until you come close.”  I needed Him to come close.  To feed me and satisfy the ache in my heart.  The hunger for a hug but I felt I couldn’t trust God’s heart towards me.  Did He hear?  Did He care?  Was He really there?  What’s up?  I’m praying and other parents might not be and they made their goal.  Why pray?

Maybe you don’t struggle with questioning God like that.  It’s possible that some Christians are blessed with the gift of faith so great that they never question.  Well, that’s not me.  I question.  I want real.  I want relationship.  Even if the answer is “It’s not for you to know”  I still want to hear THAT from HIM in relationship.  

My brother and I watched way too much “Un” Professional Wrestling when we were little.  Clotheslines…take downs…the Von Erichs (embarrassed to say I was a teensy bit in love with Kevin) My brother and I would take our fights over the TV channel to the mat or rather our parents king sized mattress.   I felt like I had taken a sucker punch to the gonads from God that day with Tanner.  Do you hit below the belt, God?  I had wrestled in prayer, fought the good fight of faith before even knowing there was a battle and lost but had I?   I needed to know.  Jacob  wrestled with God.  He cried out, “I will not let go until you bless me” and God did bless Jacob.  I felt like that, “I will not let go until you speak to me, God.   I won’t get lost in my own thinking anymore.  I know it’s all going to be okay but I need to hear from you.  I'm so far in with you, I'm not looking for a way out but please, Lord, help me understand that you haven’t left me.  That this won’t hurt Tanner’s heart.  That he will try again.”  I journaled, “I don’t understand this at all.  I mean WTH God?  Line my thinking up with yours.  I know you are good to me.  Good to Tanner.”

and then I waited.  Honestly, it didn’t take too long. I saw this scripture the next morning and then multiple times over the days following the game:  

Jeremiah 29:11-14 “…This message is from the Lord. I have good plans for you. I don’t plan to hurt you. I plan to give you hope and a good future. Then you will call my name. You will come to me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will search for me, and when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me. I will let you find me. This message is from the Lord…”

The scripture was in my devotional.  It was in an email.  It was in a podcast.  It was the scripture of the day today actually.

That scripture was ever before me. Telling me that He heard me and cared enough to respond.  He answered me.  His plan is GOOD for Tanner to give him HOPE.  “you will come to me and pray and I will listen to you.”  He DID hear my prayers but had a different plan than mine.  The above scriptures start and end with “This message is from the Lord”  I just noticed this as I was writing!  My sweet Savior saw my distress and sent me a message straight from HIM!  No, He didn't give me all the answers but it's enough that His heart is only full of love towards me.  Towards my son.  No lie, no fear can exist in this truth of His love.  I'm hoping Tanner will be BOLD and tee it up again...I will hope once again for a victory but either way, I trust God. 

If you are wrestling with something in your life big or small, here are some suggestions:

1. WRITE it down.  All of it.  The anger.  The fear.  Don't forget after you vent to reaffirm your trust in Him.  There’s something about getting it out of our head and on paper (or computer)  When it is written, it becomes a PETITION to present to God.  Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  
2. ASK Habakkuk 2:1 I will climb up to my watchtower and stand at my guardpost.  There I will wait to see what the Lord says and how he will answer my complaint. 
3. WAIT (I don’t like that the following scripture says “I waited a LONG TIME” but there it is in black and white. hmphhh but please hurry God ;) Psalm 40:1-3 I waited a long time for the Eternal; He finally knelt down to hear me. He listened to my weak and whispered cry. He reached down and drew me from the deep, dark hole where I was stranded, mired in the muck and clay.With a gentle hand, He pulled me out To set me down safely on a warm rock; He held me until I was steady enough to continue the journey again. As if that were not enough,  because of Him my mind is clearing up.  Now I have a new song to sing—a song of praise to the One who saved me. Because of what He’s done, many people will see and come to trust in the Eternal.
4. TELL Share your story. It will help others who are struggling!  Revelation 12:11 They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.

(Side note and I know some of you were worried about this:  Happy to report I’m eating healthy portions again;)